I am who I am.

People come and go in life. That is just the way it is. I’m one of those people who is very laid back on this issue. Having moved around the country many times I know that distance even in this modern-day world of the interwebs will weaken friendships. My best friend from school got married during the summer and I wasn’t even invited so I know that even the best of friendships can weaken over time. Being a loner though has helped me cope with this and being a big user of the interwebs also I have seen people come and go in my life. Circumstances change, relationships change, jobs change, people change.

Anyway on to the point of this blog.

A friend of mine was telling me the other night about how she simply can’t deal with being single. She would prefer to be in a crap relationship than be alone. She puts this down to self-confidence issues. Now I sit firmly on the other side of the ledger. Before recent events I hadn’t had genuine interest in anyone for about three years and before that it had been 18 months or so. I like being single and will only change when someone wanders into my life whom I think is special and would enrich my life accordingly, whether this be because I find them physically attractive, down right loveable, whether there is insane chemistry or whether they stimulate me mentally, all have occurred and drawn me to someone in the past.

So for me I don’t need anyone to complete me, I don’t need anyone to need me, if I did then I’d be a wreck considering the state of my personal life. Having been single for over 27 years I think it’s fair to say that I’m comfortable with my lot in life. I am who I am and whilst it did take me a long time to accept that – I did quite a few years back. People try to give to advice all the time about what I should do. ‘I need to just go out and get laid’ say some. Others say I’m too picky (I am picky but I think that is my choice), some say I don’t ‘put myself out there enough’ and that is fair, but maybe I don’t want to. Society seems to drum it into us that we need a partner to be anyone. Being single is looked down upon in some circles.

I was laying in bed last night plotting this blog entry and worked out that I haven’t actually asked anyone out for three years. Boy that is a long time when you think about it. I also worked out that I have asked out a grand total of four people in my life, I think. One of which seriously does not like me anymore due to things that happened at VI Form (of which I was an innocent party but easily blamed), one I’m FB friends with but haven’t seen nor spoken to in about four years, one I’m FB friends with but haven’t seen nor spoken to since I left my last job where we worked together and the other I’m FB friends with and still talk to every so often. This girl was the only one I didn’t know before asking out and she’s the one I still speak to. Bizarre. For the record they all said no. No-one I have ever asked out for a drink or anything has ever said yes. Harsh, harsh…

Still that shows what I am like. I don’t just go with the flow. I see many attractive people around the place but rarely do they have anything that actually interests me enough to go anything about it. When I do I get caught up in it too much but I’m learning to curb that side of me. If things don’t go down the way I’d hoped/expected then I’ll just lick my wounds and life will continue. My own mother believes that I won’t get into a relationship until ‘well into my 30s’ – so I have a while to go then before I can say I’m in any sort of relationship. I look across at my school friends and they are near enough all married or at least engaged. It still shocks me in a way but in others it does not. I remember there was one member of the social group I was in who fancied every single guy in the social group at one point or another except me. Says a lot really.

This isn’t a moping entry about ‘woe is me’ but it is more to show that I’m not an easy person. I’m not an easy person to break the walls down of. I’m not an easy person to like and I’m certainly not an easy person to love. I’m not someone who’ll put everything on the line for something that might never be. I am just me. Some people regard me as shy and quiet, those people are just people who I don’t click with. If I like you and/or respect you then you’ll know. If I don’t then I’ll come across as aloof because I just couldn’t care less what you think.

Some may perceive this as snobbishness but I just see it as the way I am. I see people often very differently to how others see them. I can be civil and nice to near enough anyone but to engage with someone takes a lot more. People whose lives revolve around ‘partying’ and ‘drinking’ and ‘pulling birds’ – yeah. I just can’t find a connection with them. Someone who wants to talk about their plans for world domination or discuss the probabilities of aliens having visited Earth or how great a President Bill Clinton was, now that is interesting. I need intellectual stimulation in friends and potential partners. People who want to better themselves and aren’t just happy to be bottom of the rung dwellers whose sole purpose in life is to have sex, get drunk and just have a good time.

So that is that. This ramble is to show those who don’t really know me, why I am who I am. I’m a difficult person to like or understand if I don’t like you but if I do then you’ll get me pretty quickly. I don’t need anyone to complete me and I like my little life. Being a loner has got a bad reputation. I have been called many things under the sun by people who don’t really know me, some deserved but mostly not. However I have learnt to deal with these comments and let them roll over me seamlessly (unless anyone says I’m a rapist or say I look like a pedophile – then I get mad).

Like it or lump it. I am who I am and I won’t fundamentally change for anyone. If that means I spend the rest of my life alone then so be it. I’ll live.

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