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A dating timetable? I like this idea!

I have discovered a new blog today (well late last night if we are being strictly accurate) and it is one of my favourite things on the internet. The wonderfully named Confederacy of Spinsters is a fascinating read and is written by three women in Texas. The blog post that drew me to the site was one entitled ‘I think you’re neat, let’s date.’

In it the author proposes a way to take out all the awkwardness of those early dating days. At what point do you go from a date to something more? I think we are all very similar when we have a date with someone and then actually want a second date. It is fraught with worry as you try to work out what the other person is thinking. The author uses the following examples, The beginning of a relationship seems especially fraught with danger.‘Does she like me? Does he think my teeth are crooked? Does she want me to kiss her? Is it weird that his last name rhymes with my first name? So many worries!’ and yes some of those really hit home.

The problem is we are creatures that struggles with communication. Communication is easy but we struggle mightily with two things – saying No and talking about feelings. The former is a debate for another day but the latter is one for right now. When you are seeing a boy or a girl you have many thoughts running around your head and the other person also has many thoughts running around their head. All that needs to happen is for both people to know both people’s thoughts and then everyone is good. However the expression ‘ignorance is bliss’ is just too darn accurate.

Sometimes it is easier to live in a world where good things can happen than live in a whole where bad things can potentially happen. If on a date I told the (un)lucky lady that I liked her and wanted to see her again and she just turned around and said ‘fat chance loser’ then I suspect I would not react too well. On the surface I’d be fine but deep down I’d be taking a kicking. However it also works the other way. I struggle telling someone that I’m not interested and yes it has happened and yes I have been in that situation. Telling someone who likes you that you don’t like them makes you feel like an arsehole and you’ll be a bad guy – but the truth is doing that isn’t being an arsehole.

The truth hurts but do you know what hurts more? A lie – certainly an ongoing lie. Now see this blog post inadvertently came about because of a situation in the HBO show The Newsroom involving the bizarre love square of Jim-Maggie-Lisa-Don. Had Jim and Maggie just been honest with each other then they would happily be together. Instead they are dating other people knowing that deep down they love each other but don’t want to hurt other people. Sounds noble but deep down it is a lie and living a lie will surely not lead to long-term happiness.

Being hurt by someone you are forming feelings for sucks but compare that to being hurt by someone you have long-established feelings for and finding out that deep down they were never in love with you? Now that is a sledgehammer to the heart. Luckily I have yet to experience this but unless the whole world has been lying to me then I think I’m right in that assumption.

So trying to wrestle this blog back on track. Those early dating days are awful but they needn’t be. If people after a first date or second date just say something like the lady suggests in her blog post:

“Hey! I think you’re really neat. How about we go on a few dates, make out a couple of times, then become boyfriend and girlfriend, after a month or two?”

Then dating would be oh so much simpler. Then both parties know the situation and if one isn’t happy then they can speak up. It sounds so easy but yet will people do it? I have no idea. I’m sure when/if I have my next first date I’ll go home and cringe and relive the date in my head and pick apart every single thing I did wrong and every bit of negative body language that I see. I’ll obviously ignore the positive bits as you don’t think about them after a first date. I remember when I was seeing someone at the turn of the year we had several dates and were still unsure of our ‘status’ as it were and it took a week of discussions (yes that is right – genuinely a week of discussions) to decide we were in a relationship. Then pretty quickly she realised that I wasn’t the guy for her so there wasn’t prolonged awkwardness but still a week of discussions about a relationship status is not good!

So next time I have had two dates with someone that I do like and see potential for a relationship with I promise to propose something similar to what this lady blogged about. I’ll say that I like them and that I want it to go somewhere and we have some more dates and make out a couple of times (I love that Americanism) and if we are still replying to each others text messages then we’ll be in a relationship.

Yes sounds simple enough. Now for that getting a date business…

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Published inDating

5 Comments

  1. neilmonnery neilmonnery

    Grace: Thank you for your comment. The week of conversing in my DTR was consisting of her saying ‘I’m not sure. I’ll let you know tomorrow’ repeat all week until she rang me and got me out of bed on the Friday saying she wanted to see me and we got together – well until she realised what she had done anyway. I hope no-one has to go through a week long wait whilst the other person decides what they want.

    Sanaa: Also thank you for your comment. We are all very complex and dating is probably by far the most complex thing that we do. If/when I get into that situation I stink at reading signs – like stink – so honesty would at least put my (and maybe other) minds to rest. We shall just see what happens…

  2. Sanaa Sanaa

    Yes Neil, this all sounds great in theory, but human beings are complex – lust and attraction are not heightened but blunt truth. Lust and attraction are stimulated by mystery, insecurity, excitement – so I would encourage you to simply be yourself, and not give too much away – you will be surprised by how much you say by saying very little.

  3. Neil, I can’t even properly express how thrilled I was to see your blog post this morning. While most of my dating rants are only semi-serious, this one was posted with the sincere hope that someone would put it into action. So, good luck! I can’t wait to hear how it works out for you. If the girl has experienced the modern dating world at all, I’m guessing she will swoon at your feet, so be prepared.

    Meanwhile, I’m going to sit over here, worrying about my eventual DTR with Professor McGregor. I really hope it doesn’t take a week of conversing…

  4. neilmonnery neilmonnery

    A typical issue – signs and the reading of them. I will say this that volunteering information such as they have just split with a partner is something you should read into unless it naturally came up in conversation. If it was crow-barred in somehow then she probably did want you to know so it is probably up to you to decide whether to actually ask for a date or not.

    As for the final line. My favourite comment ever. Ever.

  5. Andrew Currie Andrew Currie

    I’ve had similar thoughts but I’m wondering if being so open & honest on first meeting could make most people think we are weird. I’m not calling it a date because accidently meeting someone you vaguely know at the shops, at a meeting or exhibition, or when they give you a lift when you are hitchhiking, do not amount to dating (all things that have happened to me recently with one woman, who, during the short lift, just happened to volunteer the information that she had recently split with her partner.)
    Now what? Should I read anything into her telling me she was single? In the natural course of things I might not bump into her again for months. What if she thinks I am comfortably off & sees me as a way to make her life easier? (I don’t have a problem with that attitude – I accept it is now a significant reason for people to get, or stay together). Do I tell her I’m broke, with no job & poor health, almost guaranteeing she will decline any dates before getting to know me?

    Anyway Neil, if I was a woman I’d date you!

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