Today I looked through my old diary to check a date of something. Instead of just finding the date that I was looking for (which I was about two months out on) I scan-read some of my old stuff. The old style of writing I had and I could see the development both of my style and latterly my outlook on life and how I perceive myself.
Looking at what I used to say both about myself and my outlook say when I was at university it is a different person to the one sitting here writing this. The difference is so marked it is hard to believe I used to think that way. Back then my insecurities would be so pronounced I’m surprised I had any friends whatsoever. These day I wouldn’t say my insecurities have evaporated but they aren’t a defining part of me. I think this is because I have become more comfortable in my own skin and care far less about what others think.
I was told many a time that until you loved yourself then it would be impossible for anybody to love you. Now whilst I don’t exactly love myself I would say that I am not repulsed by myself, which I think it is fair to say I was for so many years. I’m don’t have model good looks but you know what that isn’t exactly the be all and end all in life. Looking back at my past witterings from many a moon ago it seems as though that was a large part of how I thought.
Also my style of writing has changed over the years. I use far less commas than I used to. I prefer short sharp sentences or adjective strewn flowing lines. The commas has all but become defunct in the way I write. My penchant for the flowing adjective strewn sentence though has grown. I like the way it adds an extra dimension to what I write. It injects more personality and I like that.
The other thing I like about the old diary is whilst many of the entries makes me cringe and shudder at how I used to think and act, it also records a few memories that I had long since forgotten. Just reading a few words can bring back a smile and memories and times come flooding back. For example this:
A few days after my birthday (name removed) & I were walking through the park after work on the way to the pub and she turns to me and says ‘So then…you and (name removed)…’ and does the old double eyebrow thing,
I’d forgotten that incident but the moment I read it I remembered it all. If you knew me at the time you’ll know exactly who I was talking about but this isn’t the time or place for talking publicly about others. Another fact I learnt following other people reading my personal thoughts in a public setting. Consider myself burnt on that one and the lesson well and truly learnt. Anyway that is another matter entirely.
These days this blog doubles up as my diary. I open up a lot in it albeit certain things aren’t recorded. My feelings are but my personal life is not because like…y’know…it’s…personal. I wish I used my private diary a bit more as I haven’t written in it seemingly since April of last year. I need to do that more to record memories and feelings but for now I’m just looking back at how much I’ve grown and changed. So much less angst and worry in my life. I suppose this is why over the past couple of years I have been more content with life than I ever have been before.
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