So 2014 is in the rear view mirror. I’m not sure it will be missed too much but I’m sure I can find some positives as well so why not have a look back at what happened in 2014 and how I feel going into 2015.
One of the bigger stories of my life in 2014 was the end (either temporarily or permanently) of me being involved in radio. I won’t close the door on returning to it at some point in the future wherever I end up but it was a disappointing end. There had been some great points over the past what, eight years, but I have something that I live by and that is when it is made clear that I’m not wanted then I walk away from a situation, this is what happened here and therefore I walked away. I actually only walked away from being part of one show but by doing that it was decided that I should be gone completely, sad times.
This meant that after three years of commentating (no wait, I should correct myself) after three year of summarising, my football days were over as well. More sad times. This year (well Jan-May) I did loads of games including the FA Cup game v Hull where the commentary box was rammed and the great and the good of radio were all in attendance and of course the play-off game. Some fine memories and I thought I was half-decent at it but it was made clear to me that I was nowhere near as good as I thought and that I had too much of an ego so they wanted someone else (pretty much anyone else) to takeover from me. I do find it weird that I suffer from such low-confidence and such low self-esteem that when I find something I know I don’t suck at, that people will still go out of their way to make you feel like shit. Humanity!
Moving to and lets talk about a good moment, my sister got married. The trip to Hull was full of problems thanks to c2c but Hull trains were magnificent and we eventually got there. My sister looked so happy that even a grizzled grump like me was touched. She seems happy enough and that is what matters. Other highlights from this weekend was my discovery of air-conditioning and how much I want it in my home whenever I buy somewhere. I know it is expensive to run but it is amazing.
Politics wise and it was a strange year, a by-election that we nearly stole then coupled with a pretty woeful set of local election results. I have written before that I have zoned out of local politics as it were as I fully anticipated not living here by the time the next election came around, well that situation is still up in the air so it is a bit of a weird one. I’m not exactly on the pulse of local politics but I am keeping abreast of most of the issues. The whole issue of UKIP has depressed me greatly and I firmly hope that their bubble will burst come May but I fear that the whole ‘anti-politics’ and ‘anti-everything’ lobby have got their teeth into this and they’ll be about for a while yet. When UKIP voters say they vote for UKIP because they want people who’ll actually work and do the job and not just take the money and expenses and you point out UKIP’s record at the European Parliament, the voters just look at you like you are crazy or say that the European Parliament doesn’t matter. It is just so depressing.
Also in 2014 I have been on some form of personal journey of discovery and I have realised some things this year and the most stark one is clearly that I’m just not that great. Look I know that isn’t exactly breaking news but it was made clear to me at various points this year by various people. It is always hard in life to hear people being critical of you but you listen and you start to understand. I’m not going to say all the criticism of me was fair (it wasn’t) but some of it really was. Some of it was just linked to the type of personality I have and you can’t really change fundamentally who you are. I’m not saying I’m a bad person (I’m clearly not) but as for how good of a person I am, I think that is now up for more debate than I’d ideally like.
I could say many more things but I have decided to keep certain aspects of my life off of my blog from now on so yeah, this is it for 2014.
As for where I am now going into 2015, well I think at some point in the near future I’ll be packing up my stuff and moving on to pastures new. Whether a fresh start will bring many changes to my life, who knows, but I think it is probably time. I don’t exactly have much to stick around here for. As for where these new pastures will be, that has yet to be decided but we’ll see what happens.
Personally going into 2015 I find that I understand myself better than I ever have done. It isn’t all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows in my world but I do feel as though the more I understand myself, the less angst I have about why some things don’t work out the way I might like. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. A friend said I sounded bitter the other day, I think I’m more bitter at my own inadequacies than I am at other people or the world. Like I said though, the more I understand myself, the good and more importantly the not so good, the easier it is as I can either make strides on those issues or I can learn to deal with them and not get frustrated by them. I can’t change the past and therefore there is no point worrying about things I can’t change.
People may say I’m being too critical of myself (I am known for being way too critical of myself) but if I sit here and say that I’m great and it is everyone else that isn’t, that is just not right is it? My favourite definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. If I carry on being shy and awkward then the same thing will keep happening so either I need to stop being shy and awkward or I continue being so – but know it – and therefore be comfortable with it.
So we’ll see what 2015 will bring. 2014 wasn’t great, it wasn’t awful, it was just a year. The only thing I think I know is that when I review 2015, it won’t be from where I’m sitting now. Now for everything else, who knows, that is the exciting part of the journey of life is it not?
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