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Tag: cooking

On why mushrooms are in fact, evil…

There are very few things that I know for sure in life. Things like Homes under the Hammer is better when it is just Martin & Lucy with no Dion in sight. That Edgar Hansen is about as cool as they come. That Bangers n Mash is a tremendous meal. That Jack McCoy is one of the best characters in TV and then of course we get to the simple fact that mushrooms are evil little bastards.

The first evidence I’d like to produce is the look of them. I mean look at them, why would anyone look at a mushroom growing up from the ground and think, ‘well they look like something I’d like to put into my mouth’ but yet someone did and for whatever reason they decided they were good and the myth of its edibility continued to grow.

The next piece of evidence I’d like to produce is the smell. Has anyone ever smelt mushrooms in a frying pan and thought, ‘they smell great, I want them in my gob right now?’ – No, no they haven’t (well they might’ve done but still…) but they give off this odour that is in fact a warning to everyone around that they are bad and shouldn’t be touched. Of this I am sure.

Next up we get to the crux of the issue, the taste. If you put one in your mouth and actually taste the thing and are able not to wretch then you have a stronger stomach than I. I have eaten mushrooms before when they were hidden in food and I have either gagged or suppressed the disgusting taste with stronger tastes that masked the vileness of the fungus.

A true story, many, many, many moons ago someone made me dinner and put mushrooms in it and I was too polite to put forward my thoughts on the spawn of the devil so I mashed them up so small and covered them in the other flavours that I could just about hold them down. When you are going through a whole meal just trying not to wretch then it isn’t the best. Still I did it and ate the whole plate. Sometimes I can be a good guy…

Last up I’d like to say any food that has plenty of poisonous varieties should be viewed with some sense of trepidation. Here is a list of Mycotoxins this poisonous mushrooms can have in them:

Ibotenic acid

Psilocybin and psilocin

The ones in bold are deadly and the ones in italics are potentially deadly.

Honestly who wants to eat a product that has so much danger attached to it? I know commercial mushrooms farms aren’t the same as mushrooms in the wild but still.

The long and short of it is mushrooms look hideous, they smell rancid and have a pungent taste. They are doing everything in their power to warn us of how bad they are and yet people still keep putting them inside of them and declaring them tasty. I just don’t get it. Mushrooms are clearly evil and we aren’t taking note of all the warning signs. It makes me despair and as for all these Chinese places adding mushrooms into meals where they have no place in being, I mean come on, I keep trying to avoid the things and they just get in everywhere!

PS: I don’t like mushrooms.

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Neil attempts to cook Chinese Chicken Satay Fried Rice with a surprising amount of success

Well the other day a rather attractive young lady said to me, ‘Neil, you do know why you’re single don’t you?’ I replied that I didn’t and she proceeded to say, ‘well it has nothing to do with the fact that you are slightly overweight, sweat a little bit too much, don’t have perfect teeth, lack even the most basic fashion sense and are a selfish little sod, no it has nothing to with with any of those negative traits, all of which can be overcome, no, your problem is you can’t cook even the most basic of Chinese dishes. What woman would ever want to date a man who can’t even cook fried rice?’

Well attractive young lady, I have taken your points on board and yesterday whilst wandering the aisles of Asda, I sought out the Chinese food section and decided to buy ingredients instead of a ready meal with the idea of attempting to cook some form of Chinese meal.

This afternoon I decided I was going to go for it and nipped to the local shop to get a pepper and onions. Yes folks. I was going to attempt to cook a Chinese Chicken Satay Fried Rice *cue the Eastenders ending drums*

First things first. I needed to learn at least some basics. I was already out of my depth but instead of using the iPad to look up recipes. I put a YouTube dance tune mix on and turned the volume up. I was going to freestyle.

I put some water in the kettle and switched it on. I needed boiling water to boil the rice. I think I used the boiling method instead of absorption but I don’t know the difference. I tipped out half a cup of basmati rice and waited for the kettle to do its thing.

Basmati Rice

Whilst it was doing this I chopped up some chicken into small pieces as well as chopping up an onion and a green pepper.

Chopped Chicken

Chopped Green Peppers & Onions

I was all prepared. Kettle clicked off and I poured the water into a saucepan and rammed up the gas. I put the lid on as apparently this is important and I knew I had ten minutes to get everything ready.

Basmati Rice Boiling

I sprayed my low calorie sunflower oil spray into the wok and rammed up the gas. Usually I cook on a low gas but I had read that Chinese food is cooked on a high heat so I had retained some information and the chicken went in and sizzled.

Chicken Browning

When that was done I put in the onions and the peppers for a couple of minutes.

Chicken, Onions & Peppers

Next up I needed to put in the satay sauce. This wasn’t made from scratch but came in a packet. I stirred it in and the aroma was rather pleasent and I liked the look and colour of the dish

Chicken Satay

Next I drained the rice and lobbed it into the wok and mixed it up with the chicken, onions and peppers. The rice got coated in the sauce and I did this for about 2-3 minutes.

Chicken Satay Fried Rice

Lastly served in a Chinese bowl with either a glass of chilled sancerre or a can of cold Cherry Coca-cola depending on whether you are Arnold Rimmer or not.

Chicken Satay Fried Rice in Chinese Bowl

Look, was it as good as what I’d get from a Chinese? You know what, it wasn’t far off. It was very nice and didn’t take more than twenty minutes including all preparation and cooking time. I didn’t want egg involved so I didn’t put one in. I am happy with how it tasted and going forward I can see myself trying to add more ingredients and trying new mixes. I thoroughly love fried rice and now I can see a way of cooking it, I may well be cooking a little bit more.

So attractive young lady, I have now added Chinese cooking (very basic) to my bow. This means that I’m bound to get all the single ladies, wait, what do you mean I made the whole first paragraph up?


Still. I actually cooked a tasty meal nice enough from scratch. I am very proud of myself.

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