Yes that’s right. The Rambles of Neil Monnery has been able to get their hands on top secret Labour plans for the ecomony over the next few years. By using a variation of the Vulcan mind-meld that works just by looking at a picture of someone. The staff here have been mercilessly finding out the biggest gossip from around the world. Now I know you don’t care what Simon Cowell is really thinking or that yet another Lib Dem is struggling with their sexuality but yesterday afternoon whilst the editor was busy eating chocolate donuts and watching Rafa Nadal beating Roger Federer to win his sixth French Open title at Roland Garros, a jaunty intern was busy going into the minds of both Ed Balls and Ed Miliband at a secret rendezvous on the Principality of Sealand and the news is bad if you have ever worked in a bank.
After announcing yesterday that he (Balls) wanted to tax banks to pay for youth unemployment the strategy that Labour have spent a year planning was starting to take shape. Miliband has sensed the mood of the electorate as well and across great swathes of the United Kingdom people do not like bankers and they blame them solely for the collapse of the economy and the plan is the more hatred they can stir up for the bankers then people may forget who was on watch when the bankers weren’t being regulated.
However Ed Miliband is concerned that Labour may be taking it too far and it may become a very difficult situation indeed. The follow-up plan that bankers will have to give time back to the community in unpaid work a minimum wage until they have paid back their bill to the country is still being haggled over but one junior shadow cabinet MP’s idea that regular people should be able to take whatever they want from bankers homes has been dismissed by Miliband as ‘too much, too soon’ saying he got the idea for the slogan from somewhere else. Ed Balls though likes the idea but knows he cannot run with it unless he topples Miliband but that is also in his mind my mind-melding intern tells me.
One thing the men both agree on is that the hate of the British public for the bankers is so much that there might be scope to make a new tax on anyone even working in a bank. This would bring in new money that could go towards Public Services and that will play out very well in the north. They know that a few Labour voters will be effected working any job in a bank but that they are a sacrifice to the greater good as attacking bankers is the only way forward in this current climate. They believe the people of the UK hate two things – bankers and anyone who disses Cheryl Cole. Making Cheryl Cole their ‘Music and All round Celebrity Tzar’ has been discussed and will be unveiled the moment Simon Cowell next kicks Cheryl Cole in public.
Other ideas are also in the mix including making bankers stand in the stocks so that they can be publicly humiliated 1600s style and even the ducking stool could be reintroduced. Back then if a witch sank then she was pure but died anyway and if she floated then she was evil and killed. Bankers may face the same punishment with exactly the same chance of surviving.
I’m told neither of them are scared about flogging the dead horse of the bankers too much as the hate lines run deep. They do not believe they need any other ideas apart from attacks on bankers both through their wallets and through shame. The Labour view is strongly that the bankers can pay for rebuilding this country and no-one else needs to do a damned thing because bankers have enough spare change down the back of their sofas to fund the NHS for the next five parliaments alone.
The General Election battleground in 2015 will solely be fought on bankers. Labour will say ‘we hate the bankers and will make them wish they had never been born’ and they think it is a winning line. The talk of immigration and they fact they too hate the Poles and other Eastern Europeans is their backup plan if they need to fan the flames any more but they don’t believe this will be needed.
So there we have it – straight from the minds of the Leader of the Opposition and the Shadow Chancellor – the plans Labour have for the economy and the General Election in 2015. I’ll agree it is quite something but when these policies hit the media don’t say you weren’t warned…
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