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First date dating tips for men

Ah first dates. Don’t we all love ’em? *watches tumbleweed flow through the internet* well as someone who has been on maybe 15 first dates in his life (yeah – rock on b’s & g’s) I am actually pretty awful at getting dates and even less proficient at doing well at getting the second date. However I am great at the theory (so the total opposite to my degree – awful at the theory but waltzed the practical) and knowing many women who have talked me through their first date encounters I thought I’d use that wisdom coupled with my own inadequacies and put together a very simple list of things that guys you really should do on – and think about – before your first date with a lovely lady.

First things first what are you going to wear? Now you see women are different to men in many ways but the most stark difference dating wise is clothes. To a guy what a lady is wearing is not all that important. If they wear a dress or a skirt or jeans and a t-shirt most guys won’t make an initial judgement. Now women on the other hand do. Oh boy do they. If you rock up in tatty trainers and jogging bottoms then you are in a bad place my friend – a bad place. So think about what you are going to wear. Make sure it looks like you’ve made an effort because if it looks like you can’t make an effort on date one then the question ‘will they make an effort at any point?’ will be reverberating around the mind of your date.

Second is remember why you are on the date in the first place. You are there to get to know someone. So be prepared for conversation. A first date is essentially a prolonged interview in a less formal setting. Both parties are there to work out whether they want to get to know each other better. Therefore do not talk about yourself all the time. I know you have a few stories that you think are hilarious and show you in a good light but don’t ram-rod them down her throat. Ask questions and go with the flow of conversation. Remember you are there to find out about the other person as much as you are there to try and impress her. You will impress her by listening to what she has to say and following up on her thoughts.

Planning is essential. Look I’m about as anti-plan as you can get. I hate making plans and like to just go with the flow. However if you can’t be bothered to plan a first plan then when will you ever be bothered to make a plan? Even if the plan is as simple as ‘lets go for a walk along the beach and if we get on go for an ice cream/chips/a drink at a pub along the seafront. That is a plan of sorts. Just ‘lets meet at 1PM at x and see what we fancy’ is not a acceptable plan.

Honesty is good – up to a point. We all have secrets and we are always told that women love honesty. They do – up to a point. If you have been dating someone for a year then you might be able to bring up the fact that you have a toe sucking fetish and your partner may think ‘weird but I’ll try it’. If you tell her on a first date that you have a toe sucking fetish then your odds of a second date are deeply diminished. So being a total open book is great in theory but in reality unless you are lucky enough to have a date with someone who is incredibly open and liberal to fetishes then keep them locked away – for now.

The whole payment issue if you go somewhere that involves money. Look I’m a modern man. Straight up I’m a very modern man and believe that women should pay as much as guys do over the course of a relationship but on the first date it is the guys responsibility so pay and don’t think about it. If your date asks you to go dutch or say she’ll pay then politely decline and say that they can pay next time. If they kick up a fuss then of course let them pay whatever they like. I’ve found that if you say they can pay next time and they say ok that there will definitely be a next time.

The debate about taking charge is an interesting one. I’m not a dominant personality. I’m certainly no Alpha Male but on first dates women seem to want a guy to make the decisions so take charge or at the very least make suggestions. This is linked to the planning issue that I wrote about earlier. Planning is winning boys. Planning is very much winning.

Watch your body language and watch that of your date. Shakira once wrote that hips don’t lie and I’m unsure as to the accuracy of this but one thing that doesn’t lie is body language. I am a negative nelly with women. Deep down I think they all hate me. However sometimes I get confused as I see positive body language and this doesn’t compute with my self-doubt issues. Ignore your brain and listen to your instincts. We all know about body language and we know the positive and negative types. If a date is clearly displaying one or the other then go with it. Also remember to smile. Smiling is the simplest body language around and a genuine smile is the best reassurance anyone can get.

Use flattery wisely. Women do not like OTT flattery. It makes them uneasy. If you are going to give out a compliment then make it specific. If you notice for example that they are wearing ladybugs earrings ask about them and say they look nice. This shows you are noticing something specific. Just saying something like ‘you look amazing’ and saying that 17 times within an hour is awkward. Flattery should be used sparingly and for specific things. Non-stop flattery makes it sound like you don’t know what to say.

I think that there is nothing wrong with manners. Having basic manners will never be a bad thing. You may want this bad boy image and think a woman swoons at that but as you get older you’ll realise that women look for a good guy. The younger you are the more pure sexual attraction and chemistry weighs in your factor. They say the geeks shall inherit the Earth and that isn’t too inaccurate. Women always want looks and chemistry. Always. However in time acting like a gentleman and being there for them become far more important. Just showing basic manners like opening doors, being attentive, engaged, happy, act like you are genuine and a woman will certainly think ‘well he’s not like my ex…’

Respect personal space. This is a big one. Don’t be too touchy feely on a first date. Not unless the positive body language is overwhelming. Most women will have a first date and straight away talk to their best friend(s) about it and personal space is a huge issue as is respect. Respect is so key that I can’t stress it enough. Show respect and class and do not repeatedly touch your date.

The goodbyes. A hug I think is the best way to end a date. Not a handshake and not a kiss. Say it was good to meet them and if you are interested in a second date tell them that you enjoyed yourself and that you want to see them again. If you say that you will call her then darn well call her. Women are as insecure as men. Reassurance is something both sexes like and the onus is still on the guy to ask for that second date. So tell them straight up and even though a woman may say yes out of politeness but deep down mean no that is fine. If they say yes then follow up within three days and ask if they fancy doing x, y or z. If they say yes then hooray. If they say no then no problem.

Lastly and most importantly. If they decide that they do not want to see you again then don’t keep asking. The moment you don’t take no for an answer you stop being a date and start to become a worry. Women are always fearful for their personal safety whereas guys are far less so. If a girl you didn’t like kept texting you or e-mailing you repeatedly then how would you feel? Uneasy and freaked out I suspect. If you do that to a woman then they’ll feel the same but 5-10x worse. So if a girl says no to a second date then say no worries and wish them well and move on. If they want to speak to you or see you again then they’ll contact you.

So there we have it. Neil’s top tips for how to act on a first date. I think it’s pretty good. If you follow all that then you’ll be fine. If things don’t work out then they don’t work out. Sometimes it isn’t anyone’s fault. If a first date doesn’t turn into a second then seriously don’t worry about it – and certainly don’t ask why. We’d hate it if women asked us ‘why don’t you fancy me?’ so it only makes sense that women would hate hearing the same question from a guy they’ve turned down.

Most importantly folks have fun, stay safe and have respect.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Please leave any comments or contact me directly via the E-Mail Me link on the Right Hand Nav. You can stay in touch with the blog following me on Twitter or by liking the blog on Facebook. Please share this content via the Social Media links below if you think anyone else would enjoy reading.

How to write a good online dating profile

They say those who can’t, teach. Well I’m living proof boys and girls. I don’t have the chutzpah to pull off online dating very well however I can offer some advice on how to do it far better than I ever did. I know all the theory but putting it into practice in a different kettle of fish. I will give a quick overview of the online dating scene to give novices a bit of a heads up.

First of all men and women are different. I know people who want to talk about equality all the time don’t want to believe this but they are. Men send far more first messages than women. Women get so many messages that it is hard to reply to them all. Men pretty much have time to reply to every message they receive. Therefore women actually need to write the better profile because even though most guys will send them a message solely based on a photo they need to write the better profile because they need to sieve through the wheat and the chaff more.

I once spent 12 hours on an online dating website as a woman and boy was it an eye-opener experience. I felt that I would just flat out ignore so many of the messages and only those who had written a good opening message would get a response. However to write a good opening message you need something to go on so you do actually have to write a fair bit. Whilst researching for this blog post yesterday I came across the following two profiles and honestly this was all they said (along with a photo)

‘no weirdos thanks’

‘No bullshitters – Love dancin and bein wiv my friends love rub pop garage a bit of everything xx’

Now honestly what do either of those profiles give you to go on? The first one doesn’t want any weirdos so do you send a message saying, ‘Hey there, just saw your profile and saw you didn’t want a weirdo well you know what? I’m not a weirdo. It is like we were meant to be?’ and the latter doesn’t want any bullshitters (well who does?) and loves a ‘bit of everything’ well that’s great. This lady is actually rather good looking so she will get messages but the quality of them I fear are pretty awful.

So we need to talk about the positive stuff. Well yesterday whilst researching I came across the following profile and I’ll copy & paste and show you why I think it’s an excellent example of an online dating profile and why if I was still in the online dating game I’d be messaging this girl straight away:

Hi, I’m Jen and I very much enjoy watching silly comedy programmes such as Bad Education, The Inbetweeners, Friday Night Dinner etc. I could probably recite most of the words to every Friends episode – that surely doesn’t make me a proper grown up?! Sadly, irreverent comedy programmes are not part of the National Curriculum (yet – I must start that petition!) so I cannot use this knowledge as part of my job teaching the future generation. Nevertheless, I very much enjoy what I do and more often than not, a day in the classroom can be a bit like appearing in a sitcom!

But I can’t have you thinking that all I do is teach and watch TV. I have been known to watch DVDs too! However, when I’m not in the classroom or on the sofa, I do manage to make my way to the gym a few times a week – I am a big fan of Body Combat. I also venture into the kitchen fairly often where I very much enjoy cooking and trying new recipes. I recently made some blueberry and vanilla scones. If you play your cards right, I could be baking some for you – just promise me we don’t have to have the discussion on the correct way to pronounce ‘scone’?!

I would like to meet someone who is fun and friendly and maybe also knows the words to various Friends episodes – just in case there is ever a power cut and we had to make our own entertainment. I would also really like to meet someone who is interested in having a proper grown up relationship incorporating the use of bags for life!


Let me show you why I think it’s an excellent profile. First of all I like the introduction of a name. The first couple of lines makes a little bit of a diss at herself about being a proper grown up. Quirky. She talks about her work and so we know quite a lot about her already. She’s a teacher and really likes comedy.

I love the ‘I have been known to watch DVDs too!’ line. The rest of that paragraph opens up some of her other interests. She likes to keep fit but also likes baking and shows us one of her specialities with a bit of a tease about baking for you (the reader/potential date) one day then adds in a line about the ‘scone debate’.

Lastly she tells us what she wants. A nice line about knowing lines to various Friends episodes but more importantly she is looking for a genuine grown up relationship. Brilliant all around. It gives you plenty of possibilities for opening gambits as you know several of her hobbies and what she wants. I’d be shocked if she wasn’t inundated with really good quality messages because she profile really opens itself up to getting good quality messages.

So to recap a good online dating profile should only be three paragraphs long. Three paragraphs is the perfect length. Show a bit of your personality along with some of your interests and then round off by telling the readers what you are looking for in a date/potential partner. Perfection. Remember the photograph(s) are important but the profile will open up the quality of people. If you have a hot picture you’ll get lots of messages. If you have a cracking profile you’ll still get lots of messages but it’ll be far easier to see straight away if the person writing to you has read it instead of just looking at the picture and it gives them many avenues to speak about.

A photo attracts a click and attracts a message but if you want a quality message a good profile is key. Show your personality and your interests. Throw in a spot of humour and what you are looking for and suddenly you have a first rate profile that should attract some excellent responses. It’s a shame I’ve given up online dating so I can’t contact the person whose profile I have used to underline how to write a good profile to see if she is getting good messages but still, trust me, she should be getting many interesting and thoughtful messages and hopefully soon she’ll be dating and happy in that grown up relationship she wants with ‘bags for life’.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Please leave any comments or contact me directly via the E-Mail Me link on the Right Hand Nav. You can stay in touch with the blog following me on Twitter or by liking the blog on Facebook. Please share this content via the Social Media links below if you think anyone else would enjoy reading.

Men with a lack of self-confidence and a one-way ticket to the friend zone I have some dating advice for you…

Men of the world who find themselves regularly making a permanent trip to the ‘friend zone’ need to listen up. I’m going to give you some advice and background for how not to find yourself in this particular position time after time. Now I know I’m no expert at not being in the friend zone. Heck I always make it there but I have actually had a bit of a crash course over the past year or so and you know what – the reason for repeated trips to the friend zone isn’t because someone doesn’t find you attractive but more you are too much of a wuss to bite the bullet and go for it.

Now I know what you are thinking ‘being friends is better than nothing’ but here’s a home truth that men with little self-confidence might not understand. A friendship will slowly wither and die once the object of your affections has found someone else. Women (and men to some degree) in general do not keep up active friendships with people that they were once interested in or dated. They remove you from their day-to-day life pretty quickly as they get all wrapped up in their new relationship and seeing someone socially they that had interest in (or had interest in them) isn’t happening. It just isn’t happening. So if you fancy a girl men then go for it. You don’t actually have that much to lose.

Now of course either a) asking someone out or b) kissing them on a date isn’t easy for guys like us. We worry about doing the wrong thing etc… Well as I’m an open character I’ll let you into my world and tell you the stories of all the girls I have actually asked out and how I did it and what I could’ve done differently that may well have resulted in a different result.

For the purposes of this blog I am ignoring all internet dating beaus as obviously you are going to ask them out by e-mail/message. Sadly whilst in bed last night mentally writing this blog post I realised that I think I have only asked out three people outside of internet dating – and I’m 29. Oh god that’s a depressing statistic but I won’t stop for a little cry. I shall persevere.

First of all I wrote a letter to a girl I went to school with when I was 15 (Year 11) and we were friends. We were in the same social group. She wrote back saying some nice things but there was a ‘but’ in there and basically she was infatuated with someone else. I used the term infatuated. She didn’t. Anyway on reflection there is probably little I could have done on this one no matter how I played it. She liked someone else and was holding out for him and him only (well until a couple of months later when she got together with another member of our social group but still – lets not split hairs).

Now we fast forward seven years to the age of 22. Yes I didn’t ask anyone out between 15 and 22. Loser. Anyhow for about three or four months I had seen this girl working in a shop that I frequented most days. She had the most wonderful smile. I would describe it to people as a smile that would still shine brightly even in a power cut. I finally plucked up the courage (and boy did I pluck it up from somewhere) to ask her out one day when she was working. She said no but I walked out of there elated that I had plucked up the courage and was not deflated in the slightest.

Now of course I would have to go in there again (well I wouldn’t but I still did) and I remember telling myself that if it was awkward the next time then I’d never go in there again. Well the next time I went in there she was just leaving but she saw me and swooped behind the till telling her colleague that she’d serve me and apologised and explained that she had been asked out just a couple of days before and had felt bad all weekend. Whilst it wasn’t explicitly said that she would have said yes it was implied. I felt good about that. However also it shows that if I hadn’t been such a wuss that I took ages to pluck up the courage I may well have had that date. So time is of the essence folks. I will say this though. Even if I never see her again she’ll always have a small corner of my heart cornered off for her for the way she acted. She will never understand just how much I appreciated that and how highly I think of her for that.

Fast forward just a year and a half now and we get to the third girl I asked out. She was a work colleague and we got on very well. There was that quote/unquote ‘spark’ but I sat on my hands privately (or not so privately – it wasn’t the biggest secret in the world) lusting after her. It took me three months to make my move and how did I do it? By e-mail. Yugh. I actually just went back and looked at the e-mail and in all honesty I couldn’t even read her reply in full. I had to strike whilst the iron was hot as it were and that was months before. Do I think timing was an issue? Maybe as had I made my move (not by e-mail although she did say it took courage to write that e-mail – which to be fair it did but still…no) a couple of months before things might have been different. I say might as I genuinely don’t know. All I know (or I should say I’ve been told by those in the know) is she had some interest at some point.

So two out of the three timing and doing nothing either could or did make a difference. So my advice would always be don’t worry about rejection and be brave. I always thought that girls would laugh at me if I asked them out but heck I’ve asked out three and all of them took it well. Now two of them I was friends with before I asked them out but am I still friends with them now? Well no. No I’m not. Is that because I asked them out and they felt awkward? No. No it’s not…

Girl one got with another member of the social group and didn’t really hang out with me at school or outside of school any more. Girl three chose another guy (she had three offers basically on the table) and decided that she wanted me out of her life completely (which wasn’t easy considering we worked in the same room). I remember a few months later I said to her that I was walking into town and would walk with her after work and she told me no. After she got together with her new we did not see each other once socially unless he was there as well. Not go for lunch or anything. I was completely cut out.

I quit that job and my last day was to be a Friday. On the Thursday I left as usual and then on the Friday she had booked the day off. So we never even said goodbye. We’ve not spoken since. It still rankles with me. We were close friends at one point but once she decided she wanted to put all her energies into another guy she literally did not want to even know me. That hurts but it shows you that even friendships will change between two single friends when one of them gets into a relationship. Nothing wrong with that per se – it is just the way it is. Single friends with see their friendships evolve (and when I say evolve I really mean go on to the back burner) when one gets into a relationship with someone else.

So whilst friendships are all well and good. Friendships between people where one or both people fancied one another at some point are unlikely to ever be serious long-term friendships. So what is there to lose? Guys if you fancy someone – even if they are a friend then go for it. There is actually very little to lose.

Also kissing. When you’ve successfully got a date and then had several dates you need to kiss. Girls don’t generally have a date with a guy and then have several dates with them over the next few weeks unless they are at some level interested. Now if you are shy and have little self-confidence then kissing someone is a nervy experience. Now I have kissed a grand total of three people. Yeah I know. Big time. Two of them pretty much threw themselves at me but the third was clearly waiting for me to make the move and I did on the fourth date and she was very happy that I had gotten around to it. Apparently she was more than willing to kiss from the second date.

So men of the world who have actually got to the date stage and have had a few without kissing them then they will feel that you aren’t interested. I will put in this caveat that as long as both parties know that these are actual dates obviously. Not just two people meeting up. If it is clear that these are dates and yet you still haven’t made a move after say four or five dates then the other party is going to think that you never will and will in turn mentally move you towards that dreaded friend zone.

The ball is in your court men. Women may not give you explicit signs but several dates is probably – no not probably – it is flat out a positive thing. Make some sort of move if you like a girl you are having dates with within a handful of dates otherwise she’ll already mentally be moving on. There are always other men who will catch the eye and if you do nothing the boat will sail on by and you’ll regret it. Trust me you’ll regret it.

So if I teach you one thing men it is this. You are not as bad as you think. American teen sitcoms where girls laugh in the face of nerds doesn’t actually happen. Most women think it takes a lot of courage to ask them out and they appreciate it. It will bring a smile to their face. Trust me on that and if you’ve already done the hard bit and got the date – and then one a second, third, fourth… then if you like them then go in for the kiss. Someone on a fourth/fifth date is not going to brush off a kiss and slap you and if they do then what the fuck are they doing on a fourth or fifth date anyway?

Ok I think I’ve sorted out relationships. I think I’m going to get dressed and go and buy the local rag and settle down to watch my boy Nick Clegg’s speech. Rock n Roll boy and girls…

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Please leave any comments or contact me directly via the E-Mail Me link on the Right Hand Nav. You can stay in touch with the blog following me on Twitter or by liking the blog on Facebook. Please share this content via the Social Media links below if you think anyone else would enjoy reading.

‘I’m not lonely, I’m alone’

The words of Emma Morley in One Day. These are however words I have also uttered in my lifetime. This evening I sat down and watched this movie and did so with a genuine interest. Rarely do I sit down and actually watch a film that I have heard about and actually wanted to see. Usually my film watching habits involve being bored but I actually did go out of my way to watch this one.

Now I haven’t read the book and my subsequent peruse of the reviews of this film indicate that this was not a bad thing. The book is apparently quite wonderful and the film did not live up to the material of the manuscript but I can’t judge it on that. For me all I saw was a quirky little film with a strange feel-good factor despite the character you grow to love being killed and the character you hate getting the girl he doesn’t deserve. Also I didn’t care that Anne Hatherway’s character was ‘too attractive’ and had a rather clear shifting accent. I’m not sure people who actually watch films care about this. I’m sure it is just for the critics. Most people just like a couple of hours of escapism.

I thought about my past and looked to see if any of the characters related to me in any way. I always do this when watching films. I’m pretty sure it isn’t normal but still. Unlike Dexter I am pretty sure that I don’t have a close female friend who is deep down in love with me. Also as far as I know no friend has ever had a crush on me. That might be a rather depressing sentence that I just compiled. I think I should move on rather swiftly.

The other thing I did mull over in my mind is the type of girl that I deep down yearn for. Once more linking it back to a blog post I read earlier in the week entitled Typecasting: The Myth of My Ideal Man – we all have the people in mind that we believe and hope that we will fall in love with.

Looking back at my history of women I have either dated or had interest in physically there doesn’t seem to be an obvious link. I always thought I had a type and yet I realised that I have dated more people who don’t fit into my type than do. If we just narrow it down to the big three of people I have had real interest with in my adult life physically there are no similarities whatsoever.

If we move it on to personality then yet again nothing too clear if you look at the three of them and yet again I always thought I had a type. I thought that I had a type of the quirky girl who would like to spend her Saturday’s baking cupcakes, being read to in the park, sitting watching the world go by in the countryside or by a lake. Very much the creative type with an interest in the arts. Now to most people who know me they might be stunned by this as they see me as a guy who loves his sport and not much else. I just think I very much want someone who is the polar opposite to me to light up my world. Someone with a positive and sunny outlook.

That is what in my head I have as my ‘type’ as it were but yet there was another moment in the film that summed everything up beautifully. In the film Emma dates a nice guy called Ian for several years but is never in love with him. She is always deep down in love with Dexter. A couple of years after her death Ian speaks to Dexter and says, ‘I used to hate you…because she lit up with you just in a way she never did with me and it used to make me so angry because i didn’t think that you deserved her… She made you decent and in return you made her so happy, so happy, and I will always be grateful to you for that.

Now that sums it all up for me. I just want to find the person I light up with and who in turn gets lit up around me. Isn’t that deep down what we all want and all not only want but deep down just yearn for? I can safely say that up to this point only the three people I hinted at earlier ever made my heart beat that little bit faster when I saw them or spoke to them or whatever. Only these three have made me smile at just the thought of them.

We all have this idea of the perfect partner in our heads but yet you never know when you will find that person who just makes you smile when you think about them. The person with whom you do nothing but nothing is everything. The person who even on the gloomiest day and at your lowest ebb will be there for you and assure you that everything is going to be all right – not just that – but you actually believe them that everything is going to be all right.

One day was a nice little quirky film. It made me think and I like films (and people) who make me do that. Emma was never happy with anyone except the person she deep down wanted to be with and I can relate to that. I see no point in dating people who don’t make me light up. It is better to be single and happy with yourself than be in a relationship that isn’t truly special. I honestly believe that and whilst so many people say I should settle for some happiness and not wait for that special someone I think that happiness can be found from being single and unhappiness can be found from not being truly happy in a relationship.

As the title says I’m not lonely, I’m alone…

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Please leave any comments or contact me directly via the E-Mail Me link on the Right Hand Nav. You can stay in touch with the blog following me on Twitter or by liking the blog on Facebook. Please share this content via the Social Media links below if you think anyone else would enjoy reading.

A dating timetable? I like this idea!

I have discovered a new blog today (well late last night if we are being strictly accurate) and it is one of my favourite things on the internet. The wonderfully named Confederacy of Spinsters is a fascinating read and is written by three women in Texas. The blog post that drew me to the site was one entitled ‘I think you’re neat, let’s date.’

In it the author proposes a way to take out all the awkwardness of those early dating days. At what point do you go from a date to something more? I think we are all very similar when we have a date with someone and then actually want a second date. It is fraught with worry as you try to work out what the other person is thinking. The author uses the following examples, The beginning of a relationship seems especially fraught with danger.‘Does she like me? Does he think my teeth are crooked? Does she want me to kiss her? Is it weird that his last name rhymes with my first name? So many worries!’ and yes some of those really hit home.

The problem is we are creatures that struggles with communication. Communication is easy but we struggle mightily with two things – saying No and talking about feelings. The former is a debate for another day but the latter is one for right now. When you are seeing a boy or a girl you have many thoughts running around your head and the other person also has many thoughts running around their head. All that needs to happen is for both people to know both people’s thoughts and then everyone is good. However the expression ‘ignorance is bliss’ is just too darn accurate.

Sometimes it is easier to live in a world where good things can happen than live in a whole where bad things can potentially happen. If on a date I told the (un)lucky lady that I liked her and wanted to see her again and she just turned around and said ‘fat chance loser’ then I suspect I would not react too well. On the surface I’d be fine but deep down I’d be taking a kicking. However it also works the other way. I struggle telling someone that I’m not interested and yes it has happened and yes I have been in that situation. Telling someone who likes you that you don’t like them makes you feel like an arsehole and you’ll be a bad guy – but the truth is doing that isn’t being an arsehole.

The truth hurts but do you know what hurts more? A lie – certainly an ongoing lie. Now see this blog post inadvertently came about because of a situation in the HBO show The Newsroom involving the bizarre love square of Jim-Maggie-Lisa-Don. Had Jim and Maggie just been honest with each other then they would happily be together. Instead they are dating other people knowing that deep down they love each other but don’t want to hurt other people. Sounds noble but deep down it is a lie and living a lie will surely not lead to long-term happiness.

Being hurt by someone you are forming feelings for sucks but compare that to being hurt by someone you have long-established feelings for and finding out that deep down they were never in love with you? Now that is a sledgehammer to the heart. Luckily I have yet to experience this but unless the whole world has been lying to me then I think I’m right in that assumption.

So trying to wrestle this blog back on track. Those early dating days are awful but they needn’t be. If people after a first date or second date just say something like the lady suggests in her blog post:

“Hey! I think you’re really neat. How about we go on a few dates, make out a couple of times, then become boyfriend and girlfriend, after a month or two?”

Then dating would be oh so much simpler. Then both parties know the situation and if one isn’t happy then they can speak up. It sounds so easy but yet will people do it? I have no idea. I’m sure when/if I have my next first date I’ll go home and cringe and relive the date in my head and pick apart every single thing I did wrong and every bit of negative body language that I see. I’ll obviously ignore the positive bits as you don’t think about them after a first date. I remember when I was seeing someone at the turn of the year we had several dates and were still unsure of our ‘status’ as it were and it took a week of discussions (yes that is right – genuinely a week of discussions) to decide we were in a relationship. Then pretty quickly she realised that I wasn’t the guy for her so there wasn’t prolonged awkwardness but still a week of discussions about a relationship status is not good!

So next time I have had two dates with someone that I do like and see potential for a relationship with I promise to propose something similar to what this lady blogged about. I’ll say that I like them and that I want it to go somewhere and we have some more dates and make out a couple of times (I love that Americanism) and if we are still replying to each others text messages then we’ll be in a relationship.

Yes sounds simple enough. Now for that getting a date business…

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It is time to announce my retirement from the world of online dating

I’m surprised I didn’t call a press conference and/or issue a press release on this but I have actually had a few people ask me what the latest was with my online dating adventures that I have blogged about previously. Well there is news but the retirement is not because of any great success. I have watched many people that I know have success in the online dating world and that has been heart-warming. I have seen these people say they are the happiest they have ever been thanks to online dating. However things have not exactly been the same for me and a few weeks ago I threw the white towel in mentally and this evening profiles were deleted.

Now this of course isn’t me throwing in the towel of ever being in a relationship. It is more a concession that maybe online dating isn’t for me. I am one of those people who is better in the flesh than I am online or in photographic form. I’m not exactly what you’d call full of the old self-confidence but heck I have been known to look in the mirror whilst cleaning my teeth or washing my hands or having a shave or whatever and think to myself ‘not bad, not bad…’ and I don’t think I have ever thought that after seeing a photograph of myself. I am not photogenic. Which is a problem in the online dating world.

As for describing myself and making me sound interesting. Yeah… I work from home, live alone, have a fruit and herb patio which I am super proud of. I do hospital radio, commentate on football, blog my life and thoughts pretty publicly and have a rather large interest in politics. I don’t drink and I don’t exactly go out much. Heck looking at me on paper I wouldn’t want to get to know me. So maybe it is no surprise that I’m not ticking boxes.

At this point I’d like to point out that on the flip-side I’m a guy who most people who get to know me quite like. Whether they fancy me is of course a very different kettle of fish but most think I’m a decent guy. At times apparently I fall down in my ‘manliness’ as I’m a beta male and let other people make decisions. I can make decisions about myself easy enough but when it comes to others I’m very laid back. A lot of women I have ‘met’ or should I say communicated with prefer a guy who makes decisions and takes charge, which is a surprise as I thought women didn’t want that any more but in my years of attempting to date it seems the opposite is true. I think relationships should be equal with both members leaning on each other to get the most out of things. This might not be the majority view.

Most of all though the reason why I have retired from this is because I don’t enjoy it. I do not enjoy the dating game and when you can’t even get dates then the dating game is even less fun. This year I have not had what you’d call a quote/unquote ‘first date’ and it showed no sign of changing. Since I moved into my apartment just over two years ago I have had a grand total of four proper first dates. An average of one every six months. It really isn’t worth the hassle.

So online dating is now in my rear view mirror. If something happens with someone then it’ll either be through someone I already know or someone I meet via a different medium than internet dating. Everyone has a different piece of advice as for whether you should put yourself out there and look or it’ll happen when you aren’t looking at all. I am sort of been in-between the two for a long long time but now I’m moving towards the latter of the two.

Deep down I have always hoped that a relationship would be a natural progression of a friendship I had with someone. I think being friends first is a good platform for a relationship. I know others may disagree but a friendship forms a bond that goes beyond physical attraction. I have always – and I do mean always – said that the most important thing for me in a potential partner is to enjoy spending time with them. As a self-proclaimed loner knowing that I’d like to spend time with someone over watching a plethora of live sport says a lot to me. Online dating doesn’t really create those opportunities as it is basically if you/them don’t fancy each other from the get go then you/them don’t want to know each other.

To round-up my online dating statistics. I think I have had seven or eight dates although to be honest that sounds low so I may be forgetting one or two. These numbers do not include people I have met/dated from IRC as that would add a few names to the list or from other websites that aren’t strictly ‘dating’ websites. Out of these only two did I have more than one date with. Not an awful ratio but nothing stellar either. One of those two it should be pointed out I had a second date with the day after she met another guy who subsequently she dated for four years so not sure if that really counts…

We’ll see what happens but I’m happy I have closed the book on my online dating attempts. Deep down I hoped to just meet people but you forget that most other people are seemingly looking for ‘the one’ and I don’t think I was. Maybe that is why things didn’t work. So now I look to see what happens. Whilst my hopes of leaving the single world aren’t what I’d call going on the backburner but I’m not going to worry about it and just let life take its course. No more forcing it. Forcing (or attempting to force it) wasn’t working and wasn’t making me happy. It just frustrated me. Just kicking back and seeing what happens is the way forward.

I think the only thing I’ll miss is good blogging material. Now that bit I did enjoy…

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The problem with being a 29 year-old virgin and having a Facebook account for your sanity levels

I don’t like labels but sometimes facts are facts. I am 29. I am single and my dangly bits between my legs have never done anything that would result in a woman being worried about missing their period. It doesn’t bother me too much although at times it grates and usually when someone shows an interest I either think that they are clinically insane and/or they become clingy and scare me off as I need my space. However in recent weeks this attitude of mine is being attacked – by proxy – by Facebook.

At the point of writing I have 329 Facebook friends. Just using my memory I can name over thirty of them who have either given birth, gotten pregnant, got engaged or tied the knot in the past year. Five. Yes five of them have gotten engaged in just the past seven days. That is quite a run and that doesn’t include someone who got engaged then de-friended me the other day. I mean can’t a 29 year-old single virgin even go on Facebook without feeling as though life is passing him by any more?

Of course people on Facebook rarely put up the bad times so you always thinks that your life is all sweetness and light. Social media is a strange place as you rarely show off the side of your life that is bad but always extoll the good parts. Now not for one moment am I suggesting that people shouldn’t put whatever they like on social media and to be blunt no-one should give a flying you know what if some people reading about their good times think ‘bloody hell yet another person having an important life moment whilst I sit here and wait for Masterchef Australia to return to our screens in September because that is something I’m looking forward to,’ but it is a phenomenon that I have noticed. I would only say one of my 329 Facebook friends puts all his/her bad times and bad feelings up for all to read and it is even more unnerving than reading about the good times in all honesty.

So what is my point?

The point is society paints a picture of what it expects you to do. If you live your life from a different script all that happens is people think you aren’t normal. I don’t drink alcohol and that has caused issues in the past as some people have struggled to understand how someone could choose not to drink alcohol. To quote one of my neighbours I am ‘the only person who doesn’t drink that he trusts or likes’ and that is a genuine quote. Society expects you to drink and if you don’t then people will always want to know why and won’t just accept it as a fact.

Another thing society expects is for people to have relationships. Whether it be m/f, m/m, f/f, m/f/m, f/m/f or whatever. Society is slowly accepting all kind of relationships as perfectly acceptable (when really society should have accepted it a long, long time ago) but society is still struggling with single people – certainly those who don’t take every offer of sexual intercourse that comes their way. Certainly those who have essentially been single for a significant amount of time and couple that with not wanting to go out on the town on Friday or Saturday nights and heads explode. There must be something wrong with me.

It is something I have struggled with for years but in the past two or three I have essentially just settled down and realised that I have chosen my path in life and have accepted that as I personally am content. As for whether I’m happy well that is not as easy to say but I’m content with my decisions in life.

I hate social situations. I just do. I don’t know how to talk to strangers in social situations whether it be men or women or whatever. I very much have to be in my ‘comfort zone’ before I open up. I think I am terrible socially and when I try to be social most of the time deep down I am longing to be in the safety of my apartment. I know this and have tailored my social activities to suit. There are very few people that I am comfortable to be sociable around. However on Saturday one of my neighbours said that they thought I had bundles of confidence. Maybe I fake it well or more likely I’ve known her for over a year.

It is a far cry from when I’m sitting behind a microphone or in front of a TV camera or the like. Then anyone that sees me would think I am totally an Alpha male. That doesn’t phase me one jot so why do I hate social events? I don’t know but looking back at when I was say at school I was always the one who found a mate who wasn’t really up for the party and just hung out with them. I didn’t drink until I was 18 as I didn’t like the taste (the same reason as I don’t drink now) and I knew then that all the women in our social group didn’t like me so there was little point attempting to talk to them as they knew who they wanted to enjoy their social gatherings with – and it was not me I can assure you of that.

At university I think my lack of exposure to the opposite sex i.e, I knew most of them didn’t like me didn’t exactly help. I will always remember one girl in my third year telling me ‘you aren’t like what everyone said – you are actually a really nice guy’ those words will always follow me about. I remember exactly when they were said and for what reason. It also sums up how my life in general has been. People don’t really like me unless they get to know me where upon quite a lot actually do think I’m ok and not the awful person they thought I was before they actually got to know me. That should give me confidence however it doesn’t really as I still meet very few people.

Therefore we get back to what I was typing earlier about how I hate social situations. So I won’t meet too many people. I live alone and I work from home. So no joy there. I have blogged extensively about internet dating and the ups and downs of that but my towel was thrown in on that front a while ago. The problem is I don’t exactly look great on paper (or in real life – zing) so I’m not exactly going to excite people on the virtual world and as I proved in one of my pieces – girls get a lot of messages and have a lot of options in the virtual world. Yes most of them will be dross but still dross has the wow factor over me.

So anyway I was talking about this on twitter a good friend tweeted me about it and hit the nail on the head when I said about not following the typical society path of relationships, ‘And it knocks your self esteem so much when you feel like the odd one out. Life has all just fallen into place due to the happen-stance of being in the right place at the right time and yet you’re made to feel like an oddity because it hadn’t all gone the same way.’ Bang. Nailed it.

To sum up this pointless ramble I’m comfortable with what life has thrown at me. I’m comfortable with who I am. Would I changes things? Maybe but the problem is if you change one thing then you don’t know the knock-on affect of it. Relationship wise a long time ago deep down I understood that I’m not the type of guy most women want. I understand that and have I suppose dealt with it in my own way. There will always be someone better than me. That is the way it has always been and whilst it might not be the way it always will be I don’t see me going down the society preferred route of actually being in a relationship. I’m just going to be single – for a long time – and that is just how it seemingly is meant to be.

I’ll keep watching Facebook for all those dramatic updates from around my social network but as for me expect updates about Masterchef Australia (come September) and other such pointless non life-altering issues. It doesn’t bother me but you do sometimes think ‘what if?’ but then you quickly remember that it is not. I like sticking it to society that I’m different and not doing what society expects me to but damnit society makes it hard not to at least flash the odd envious glance that way.

Lastly I’m only 11 years away from being a 40 year-old virgin. If I make it I will want to star in the sequel of that movie.

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The online dating world and the real world accidentally meeting…

Whilst we wait for my piece on false rape allegations to be published elsewhere lets go a bit more light-hearted here on The Rambles of Neil Monnery.

We all know of my fun and games in the world of online dating but last night I realised something that some might just say is a little bit awkward. As you all know I have been perusing online dating for donkey’s years but recently I have been blogging about it. Well one other thing I have been doing for years is hospital radio. Never have the two world’s met until a few weeks ago – and I’ve only just noticed.

I messaged a girl on an online dating website several weeks back but got no reply but thought very little of it. It isn’t exactly a rare occurrence. Well anyway last night one of the nurses that I see every week as she works Wednesday nights on one of the wards that I visit to collect requests from the patients on was called over by one of the other nurses. I had never noticed her name before. I had a good look at her (as to be fair I had many times before) and suddenly it all twigged. I had messaged this nurse weeks ago.

At this point I have no idea if she has twigged that I am the same guy. She may well have done. She may well not have done. I have no idea and I can tell you this for sure – I am certainly not going to be bringing it up any time soon. Luckily even if she has it hasn’t been awkward. She’s as friendly as she always is. Luckily for us all the nursing staff are friendly as we see the same faces pretty much week in, week out every week so they are used to us but yeah – that coulda been awkward.

So always remember that the real world and online dating can at times mix. It has happened once before but the other way around. I met a patient on my rounds and only to have them message me on an online dating website a couple of months later when we realised we had actually met (albeit briefly) before.

So luckily I don’t think is going to be awkward but I know that casually complimenting her on her hair now might be a bit more out of place…

PS: I really need to add a dating tag to this blog…

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The day I became a woman for 12 long hours…

I love that title. It is going to weird out a fair few people before they actually get into the meat and drink of the piece. As a significant number of readers of this blog will have previously read I have blogged about the bizarre world of online dating. The first installment can be found here and the second can be found here. However I was always looking at from a male perspective – which might not exactly be surprising – but still there is another gender out there.

Last night I was at my PC showing a female friend of mine the profile of the girl covered in marmite (which she thought was awesome – it is) and also I found the girl that ditched a second date with me because she decided that she had too much washing up to do so I was showing her that girls profile. Anyway whilst we were doing this she commented that 40 people had clicked on the ‘meet me’ feature saying they wanted to meet me and she asked me how many guys had clicked on the ‘meet me’ feature for her in her three or so weeks on that dating website. I said 117 and she shook her head. I said 27 and she said no but it was higher. Eventually it turned out that it was around 310 in three weeks. I have had 40 girls say that in what nine odd months? Maybe more…?

I was stunned. I put it out there on twitter and I was told that there are more guys on these dating websites than women and that was a fair point. I remember being told that someone had received 28 messages in her first day on the site. I thought this was crazy and several girls who I know in real life have told me about some of the awful messages that they get from men on these sites so I decided that I would try it out.

I know it is dishonest and not good. I did not message anyone that messaged me or anything and deleted my profile after 12 hours because it was just so insane. I think I had more than enough research for this blog after just 12 hours and I am starting to get a feel for how hard it is to be a woman on these sites. I’m going to share with you some of the messages and some of the facts behind my 12 hours of having a fake profile on a dating website.

I just googled for a random picture of a girl and then produced the following profile:

Not really much to say about me really. I like doing some things but I don’t like doing other things. I’m a private person until you get to know me so don’t expect to find out everything in just one profile.

I have a job that keeps a roof over my head and wine in my throat. I’m not sure what exactly makes me unique but my flatmate has decided to give this a try and I’m game for a challenge.

My goals in life include to have a profession. At the moment I have a job which isn’t exactly a profession but as I said it keeps a roof over my head and wine in my gullet.

I am not expecting anything from this and I am here under protest as my housemate did challenge me as I have been moaning a lot recently – and not the type of moaning that keeps him awake at night – more the type of moaning that annoys him when he’s trying to watch football.

So in short. I’m very cynical and probably very difficult. If I were you I wouldn’t message me as I’m a pain in the backside. Just hoping one day a guy will think I’m worth all the earache!

I wouldn’t say that is the most overly positive profile ever. The picture (which I won’t post here) was of a girl looking pissed off at a camera. So anyway how did the men of the UK react to this profile?

Well in 12 hours no fewer than 109 men had messaged this profile. A grand total of 60 of those men did not even write more than 15 words. 23 of these messages were only one word. One word. Why would anyone ever reply to a one word message? The word was usually Hi or Hello but also Pretty, Beautiful and Sexy were used. Another point I want to make is of the 109 men, a grand total of 17 of them were showing their torso in their man profile photo. 16 men had selected the profile as a favourite and in just 12 hours no fewer than 383 men had viewed the profile. To put that in context that is more than the amount of women that have viewed my profile since I joined the site at some point last autumn.

Now to me that kind of stat just blows my mind. It has little to do with my looks but it goes to show just how many men are out there looking for women online. Out of the 109 men that messaged the profile I think only two messages were decent enough to warrant thinking about a reply and one was actually good enough that I think most people would say was interesting enough to probably reply:

I’m a pain in the bum as well! But I’ve just about managed to convince myself it’s down to meeting the wrong people, it’s all their fault i’m sure!

Your right to be cynical about this place, there are some very socially inept, peculiar people around, I’m probably one of them, but in a good way!


Hello 🙂 I like your profile, you honest, straight forward and speak you mind. They seem to be very rare traits these days. How are you faring on here? Is it as bad as you thought?

And for the good one…


I like cynical and difficult. I would have chosen “challenging” though just for a positive spin. But I have a few questions (if I may).

Why are you a “random” girl? I dislike the word “random”. It’s over-used. Very little in life is random.

Who actually keeps wine in their throat? I keep it in my fridge (white) or a rack (red) or my stomach. But I’m going to try the throat tonight and see how it holds.

Stop moaning to your flat mate. He jut wants to watch football in peace (that is a guarantee).

Anyhoo, enough rambling. Maybe take a nosy at my profile and if you like what you see/read, it’d be nice to hear from you.

Take care

Not saying either of those messages are exactly great but they were genuinely the cream of the crop. If that is what women have to deal with then I wonder why they bother. I also happen to feel a lot better about my opening messages and the quality of them. The fact they rarely get a reply is just a sign that I’m not the most beautiful creature on the planet. I can deal with that but this blog isn’t about me but more about the calibre of men that seem to be on the free online dating websites (I suspect those that are paying for eHarmony, Match et al are probably of a slightly higher calibre).

Shall we get on to some of the short sharp messages that depressed me? Go on then…

Congratulations you have just won a date with me lol,so please don’t be shy and reply asap!!! this is a free service,and you won’t be charged by your network,and I know this message is guaranteed to put a smile on your face,hope to hear from you soon.xxX

Yeah I’m won a date with a guy. I didn’t even know I had entered that competition but wow…yay!

Hey there!! I know I’m prob not going to get anywhere cos tbh you look absolutely stunning and I really dunno why your single but I thought I’d say hi and hope that you’ll reply and let me get to know you better! I’m a lovely guy trust me, i hope you give me a chance…that’s all I ever ask for! Hope I hear back from you x

Can we say too needy…?

What sort off bait do I need 2 chat u

A decent grasp of the English language possibly?

Well being as attractive as you are im guessin a bloke would put up with earache on your looks alone..xx

Yeah. It is all about the looks…

A man got arrested the other day for being suspected of stealing hay. He has been released on bale……

Boom, Boom!

Hey gorgeous,how’s your weekend going ,Thor I’d drop by and show some live ,xxx

Is Thor, the hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind, hallowing, healing, and fertility really involved here or does this guy not know how to spell ‘thought?’ and live and love are two very different words and what is that comma doing floating about?

Hi (username),
Well im not messaging you because your profile didnt catch my eye and in not hoping you will message me back so you cant get to know me to find out how much of a pain in the arse I am.So you probably like my profile and will message me back as you will be interested lol xx

Reverse psychology and the use of the term ‘lol’ – not for me…

Hi. I look nice.

Do you? That’s nice. This is from a profile with no picture as well…

fancy a sugardaddie 😛


Oh wow.bit of a hottie we have here.usually just click click click through profiles but I had to say hi.x

Is that it? What is a woman going to reply to that?

So yeah there are a few of the short messages that really made me wonder if these guys ever get any responses. It is just a typical mix of what I received on this profile and remember this was just in half a day. There is no way I could have ever replied to everyone who messaged me. No way in hell so I can see why women pick and choose who they reply to extremely carefully. I logged in this afternoon and by the time I had read the 14 unread messages there was already seven new ones in my inbox just in that time. Imagine if I had tried to reply properly to one or two? I’d have had 20-25 unread messages clogged up in my inbox easy.

Therefore I can say this – I will never moan if a woman doesn’t reply to me ever again. Having a profile on a free internet dating site would be hard work if it was a full-time job let alone if you are just someone who doesn’t spend their whole life at a computer. I am trying to imagine if I could only log in once a day. Imagine having 109 messages waiting for you from guys in one day for you to read in an evening? Of course you are only going to reply to those who write something interesting and do it for you physically.

At this point I want to mention the worst message I received and is was from a profile with a username of ‘one night stand or two’ but with a couple of spelling errors. I’m not actually going to publish any username as I think that isn’t fair but I had to give you an inkling of this guys username because it is important in the context of the message:

“Please ignore my screen name 🙂 ”

Ciao , my name is (redacted).
I read your profile and I’m interested .You seem like a lady I would want to get to know and spend time with and your the prettiest girl I found on this site 🙂

I think we should be spontaneous together , what’s the worst that can happen 🙂

So the receiver of this message should forget about the username that implies that he wants either a one or a two night stand. Ok then…

I must say that message really made me despair about my fellow males. I have no issue with people wanting (or having) one night stands – each on to their own – but to have that as a username but tell people that they should forget about it is flat out dumb.

Here is a message that shows that he had not actually read the profile and just has a generic message that he sends everyone:

how are you?

Nice profile….

I’m in a In a silly mood so how about some random nonsense to break the ice….

When was the last time you played air guitar?

What should never be on a pizza?

Favourite crisps make and flavour?

That’ll do for now haha.

Anyway, hopefully speak soon


It has potential but at least show that you have read the profile surely? With my male hat on I always try to say at least a couple of things from the profile to show that it has actually been read. Just sending through random nonsense is meh but compared to the last piece I’m going to copy&paste then it’s way better. This is a genuine opening message that I received today on this profile:


I saw your profile and thought I’d drop you a note as I’m sure you’re not a pain in the backside really. I’m not really one for batting one liners back and forth and discovering weeks later that we’re not compatible, and so will make some effort to give you a reasonable insight into who I am now, so I hope you don’t mind reading.

I’m a successful professional, with my own consultancy business and am well educated, confident and intelligent. I’m very easy going, good fun, good company and easy to get along with. It’s fair to say that I’m also quite dominant in nature and so am decisive and like to take the lead, and perhaps a little rough around the edges, but not in an uncouth way.

I have a good social life and enjoy the usual things like films, theatre, reading, nice holidays, good restaurants, having fun, laughing, relaxing over a cocktail or two and generally trying not to take myself or life too seriously. I have a nice life and a happy and optimistic outlook, and wake up happy (hungover) most days and so generally consider myself a lucky person.

I’m quite open and direct, which although I believe is a good thing, is not always to everyone’s taste. I’m a long way from being a metrosexual so if your heart yearns for someone in pink trousers and a floral shirt, who cries more than you do, then you might want to stop reading now. However, if you prefer someone who thinks a man should be a man and open doors, pay the bill and say what he wants, without faffing around, then we may well get on.

Lookswise I’m 5’9, medium build, with short dark brown hair and green eyes, and am confident enough in my appearance to say that I’m nice looking, but in any case I’m happy to send a picture if you want.

Hopefully you’ll like what you’ve read so far, but if not then I hope my message, if not entirely welcome, is a little less unwelcome or intrusive than idiots just sending you shirtless pictures and asking for casual sex. Unless of course you wanted casual sex, you’re perfectly entitled, you’re a modern woman, so it doesn’t mean you’re a slut, just “free spirited” and “independent”.

If however if you do share a similar outlook and are more drawn to a man who’s decisive, knows what he wants and can express it without dithering and, after a few exploratory messages, are open to a drink ot two, can handle a bit of banter, no doubt inappropriate flirting and the odd less than sober attempt at putting the world to rights, without any promises or expectations, then I’d love to talk to you some more and hopefully get to know each other a little better and see where it takes us.

I should point out that if we did meet then drinks would be on me, whether you’re unemployed or a millionairess, but that doesn’t mean I have any expectations or am trying to get in your knickers, assuming you’re wearing any (I so hope not, and so please don’t feel obliged to on my account). It’s just that I have a more traditional outlook (I’d say chauvanistic but I think political correctness has clouded it’s once positive and more caring meaning), and believe that it’s up to the man to pay on a date. I’d therefore prefer to say I was somewhat dominant, but that conjures up images of someone way too serious and in black leathers, which isn’t really me. But I have to admit that I missed the meeting where a bit of lovingly applied domestic discipline suddenly became domestic violence, and can only imagine just how many women are equally missing the odd spanking when they push their luck a bit too far:) Thankfully though, having previously found that women tended to hide, suppress or feel guilty about any submissive longings, along comes 50 Shades of Grey, which has made being open about submissiveness more popular than zumba (whatever the fuck that is), and made things so much simpler.

Anyway, if you’re sane(ish), easy going, playful and even a bit cheeky at times then I’d love to hear ba

Yes. It is so long he ran out of characters and didn’t even notice. I have to admit I didn’t even bother to read it. It was the only opening message I didn’t read in full but knew I wanted to quote it because of its sheer length. I have now just read it back and he talks about domestic violence in some capacity and that he thinks many women miss ‘the odd spanking’ which is an interesting theory. Also he says he wakes up hungover most days – is that really a good thing? Really…? So many things about that message irk me but mostly I know that very few women would even bother reading it. It came from a profile with no photo and is clearly something that is sent en masse. It just seems like a giant waste of time.

So what have I learned from this experience? Well I think it is very clear that there is a vast difference between men and women when it comes to online dating and vast is possibly understating it. Women have it a lot harder to sift through the messages they receive but quantity and quality are two very distinct things. The messages with quality really did shine through mainly because so few messages were anything more than ‘how are you?’ or ‘you got a nice weekend planned?’ or just ‘hello’ – if that is the quality of messages then it is no surprise men don’t always get replies.

I have also worked out that every single message needs to be unique just to even have a chance of a reply. I know that women might not even have time to look at every profile of a guy that messages them let alone look at every profile of guys who have viewed them or clicked ‘Yes’ on the ‘Meet Me’ feature. There is aren’t enough hours in the day so if someone actually looks at your profile after the opening message then it is a good sign as it isn’t as much of a gimme as you’d expect.

Mostly though I have a newly-found respect for women who even dip their toes into free online dating websites. Guys are crude and in the majority of instances aren’t even interesting and don’t even read the profile and just look at the photos. I will never moan about people not messaging back ever again (unless they explicitly say that they reply to everyone or reply to everyone who uses a codeword to show that you’ve read their profile etc…

Being a woman in the free online dating world is just crazy. It is absolutely insane. I don’t know how they deal with it. I know there is no way that I could. If I had to deal with that then I’d delete my profile straight away and runaway and cower in the corner. Men need to understand just how many messages women get on these sites and just how hard it is to read the same rubbish and the same mind-numbing messages over and over again. The message really does matter and you just have to hope your profile and photo can back up a quality and interesting message. Saying ‘Hi’ or ‘Hello’ or ‘You’re gorgeous’ and that being it is just not going to do it guys. It just isn’t going to cut the mustard.

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The (quite) interesting and bizarre world of online dating EXTRA!

Did you see what I did there? I capitalised the extra to make it sound more exciting and important than it really is. Yes folks following the worldwide acclaim* of my first entry on this subject entitled The (quite) interesting and bizarre world of online dating I was asked if I had any more stories to tell. Well actually I do.

After I wrote the first piece I noticed I had in fact missed out on a few stories and in this era of putting my deepest darkest secrets** on the blog I thought ‘what the heck?’ and decided to come forth and actually write up the second part.

First of all let us go back just under two years. I had not long lived where I do now and had been conversing with a girl via and she thought I was the bees knees. Anyway once she had found out my name she decided to Google me and came across this old blog here. She read a fair bit of stuff and came to this entry entitled Just like they say – it is a small world and came across the line where I spoke about the fact I was a virgin and boy that put the willies up her.

She stopped conversing with me and a few days later sent a message to say that she wanted a man not a boy and the fact I was a virgin was just wrong and basically she didn’t want to know me any more. Charming I say. I have to admit I didn’t exactly lose any sleep over that one slipping through my grasp but it does go to show that when you have an internet presence then anything you write may be read by anyone.

Next we’ll jump forward a few months and another young lady seemed to be rather into me online and we arranged to meet. Sounding good so far but then disaster strikes. She had been struck down by a family emergency. Oh noes. Never a good thing but with the family emergency came no speaking to me any more and within a week that also led to her relationship status on Facebook changing from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’. Some might call me a sceptic in thinking that there was no family emergency but someone wouldn’t lie to me – would they?***

If you clicked on one of the links above you will have read a couple of other stories which I shall briefly write up here. There was a single mother in Thundersley who wasn’t put off by my virginity and despite having never met me thought that I should go over there so she could – and I quote – ‘sort me out’. It might surprise you that at this point I decided she might not be the one for me. Also the story of the girl who arranged to meet me one day but pulled out that morning and then promptly blocked me from MSN for no obvious reason. However before she deleted me from Facebook her profile picture did change to one of her and a man looking rather happy with each other so maybe that had something to do with it.

Here is an example where I have stopped conversing with someone and they weren’t sure why. She seemed pleasant enough but there is one thing that puts me off women more than anything and that is being clingy. Now being clingy and needy is one thing but being clingy and needy before we have even met is another thing altogether. This person if I didn’t reply in five minutes to a text would text again asking if they had done anything wrong, then if still no reply would text again apologising if she had done anything wrong and within the half hour two more texts asking what they had done wrong. That type of behaviour is a quick way to my bad books and me losing any interest.

Who now wants an update on the girl who wrote this on her POF profile?

It amazes me where people get their confidence from on here… come on we all know roughly where we stand in life- just because you’re online it doesn’t really mean you can suddenly start messaging people out of you’re league. I don’t mean to sound harsh but the amount of people punching well above their weight seizes to amaze me. I sound like a complete ****… I’m really not just sick of time wasters 🙂

Well her tag line is now Looks can be deceiving….! the first paragraph of her profile is now the following:

I would describe myself as quite a confident person, im outgoing & friendly when it comes to meeting new people. Although when it comes to myself & my appearance confidence it is not my strong point. Im sensible when i need to be but i know how to have fun 🙂 Im honest infact maybe too honest at times, i say what i think but never in a nasty way. (I think this is quite a good trait, not everyone will agree)

So now she says that she doesn’t have confidence in her appearance whereas a month ago she was telling everyone who wasn’t in her league not to bother messaging her. I know I’m stupid but that is crazy isn’t it?

Someone that I follow on twitter tweeted the following last week:

Dear denizens of Guardian Soulmates! By indicating you would like an attractive GF you are missing out on some hot low self esteem action.

She makes an interesting point. I will not message anyone who says that are looking for any traits that I do not have. If they say they want a tall guy, or a strong guy, or a manly guy, or an attractive or anything like that then I automatically move on. I don’t exactly have bundles of self-esteem dripping from my pores and if people are saying that looks are vital to them then that is a put-off straight-away as I believe that I won’t be someone that they would be interested in knowing so I don’t see the point conversing with them as it would only be a waste of time.

Now of course we all want an attractive partner. That is a given. Even distinctly average (at best) looking guys like me want to look at a beautiful face in the morning but beauty is really in the eye of the beholder and what I identify as beautiful would be different to what someone else would. However if someone says openly that they are looking for looks then you think that they are looking for the stereotypical type of good looks. Well I do anyway.

For example on Sunday I was in London Town with a few of my uni mates and in the pub we were in there were three girls with three guys on another table and the three guys I was with were all lusting after one girl (whose arse was being shown off by a very tight hooped pair of trousers) but I thought one of the other girls at the table was by far the most attractive of the three. There was actually a girl on a date with another guy another table who was one of the most beautiful people that I have ever seen. I mean if I was to draw up looks then she would’ve had it but none of the other three thought she was too much kop.

So it goes to prove (well not really but it is some evidence) that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Heck a small percentage of these people who are looking for an attractive guy might actually think I am good looking. I know a few of you just laughed at that but they might. However my self-esteem doesn’t think I’d be worth their time (and vice versa).

I had something I wanted to write from a profile but it seems as though she has deleted it and like an idiot I didn’t save it. I am paraphrasing here but it was essentially (and all in capitals) something like ‘Message me because I’m just a friend that you haven’t met yet and we can’t have enough friends and know enough people in our lives’ so I did and she looked at my profile but didn’t reply. So what she seemingly meant was that she wants to get to know anyone and everyone – as long as they fit into her opinion of attractive (well that is what I took from it anyway).

Online dating is a strange beast. I haven’t received a message in weeks. It has been nearly 90 people who have viewed my profile since my last message. Which isn’t exactly a fantastic ratio. I haven’t had a date this year since my brief relationship ended and the bookies now have 2013 as the favourite for the year of my next date. I think I might get in on that. I shall continue to blog about the fun and games of internet dating should I have any more interesting stories to tell. I was about to say I was going to go look through OkCupid but Deadliest Catch is on in 14 minutes so I shall have to forgo that pleasure.

* = Well twenty people ‘liked’ the post on Facebook…

** = My deepest darkest secrets are not on here. I’m not that stupid.

*** = Yes. Yes they would lie to me as I have found out women think lying to protect feelings is better than the truth.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post. Please leave any comments or contact me directly via the E-Mail Me link on the Right Hand Nav. You can stay in touch with the blog following me on Twitter or by liking the blog on Facebook. Please share this content via the Social Media links below if you think anyone else would enjoy reading.