I have learned a few things in my life and behind Take Me Out photos the most popular thing people want to read on this blog is about my dating endeavours. Well I like to give the public what it wants. The only downside is I rarely have much to write about, if only I had more dates and interactions with women this blog would be so popular. Oh well. Anyway I have dating news so sit down with a coffee or a cup of tea and a biscuit and get ready for the latest installment of my private life.
Before we start I should give you some background of the year so far. This would be my third first date and let me think…third date in total. If I can recall my GCSE Maths that works out at an average of one date per person. So I’m consistent if nothing else. In the previous two 2013 dates one went ok but went no further and one went hilariously badly. So what will happen with the third? I’m not going to give away the ending but it probably went better than the previous two.
Right so we’ll get to the woman in question. Again online dating. Sent lots of messages back and forth over a few days before she suggested meeting. As an aside in my last three dates via online dating mediums they all came after the woman suggested meeting me. So she decided the best first date would be a cup of tea and a chat just to get to know each other. I was fine with that despite not drinking tea. I like laid back first dates because deep down I know they are in all likelihood going to be the one and only time I get to see them so what is the point spending serious money on dinner or doing a big activity?
She decided a Friday night. I said that there weren’t too many places (if any) that were open on a Friday night that served tea so we agreed the first date would take place in this very room where I am typing this. So she came over and yet again I need to go off on a tangent at this point. Many many years ago I wrote about someone online and used her name and I was wrong to do so. Ever since then I have given women I have dated weird nicknames so I’d know who I was talking about but no-one else bar the people in question would. So from FAJSY (Fit Ass Journalism Second Year) to WH Smith’s Girl to Lil D and LL Cool J, I have given people these nicknames so I can write about them freely and not feel as though anyone would recognise them.
So she came round and quickly I had already given a non-slick nickname to her in my head ‘Well out of my league girl.’ Look I hate the ‘league’ system and believe that it is mostly bullshit but deep down I think the likelihood of a girl who is classically stunning fancying me is shall we say remote. I’m not saying it can’t happen and I’m not saying I wouldn’t want it to happen but I am saying that I’m realistic and know my physical limitations shall we say.
She comes round and we get on, we genuinely do, we talk for hours and if I was the old ‘expert invisible body language reader’ in the room I’d be saying ‘well those two seem to be getting along well,’ We talk about many things and she has had a very interesting life and no-one really dominates conversation. She plays and fiddles with her hair like it is going out of fashion. She says she has really enjoyed her evening and leaves at some point close to midnight. I walk back into my apartment and my overriding thoughts are thus:
She is well out of my league.
We actually got on.
She was just flat out lovely.
I actually think we’ll have a second date.
What the fuck? I actually think I’m going to have a second date with a girl I think I could really like. Holy Fucking Cow.
Now this isn’t the first time I have thought this in 2013. On the date I haven’t written up I actually thought the second date was a slam dunk In fact she had actually said she wanted to do so on the first date however she changed her mind. So this isn’t the first time I have thought this and I have clearly been wrong before but I’m still sitting there thinking that I’m going to actually have my first second date for nearly two years. Hurrah!
However as we all know I’m a negative guy and always see problems and maybe I misread all the signs. Maybe her saying she really enjoyed her night actually meant ‘thank fuck I’m leaving you freak’ – I have high self-esteem. Still we text over the weekend and things seem fine and no ‘you seem nice but not for me’ texts and I’m like yeah this is a slam dunk second date and I’m internally high-fiving myself so I ask for the second date and silence.
Two days of silence later and I get this:
Hi Neil I’m so sorry for not replying sooner! I want to be honest, I bumped into an ex at the weekend which has made me question a few things. You were really good company but I need to figure a few things out before I commit to anything. I’m really sorry and hope you understand xx
Now on the surface there are two possible explanations for this. First of all she’s telling the truth and she did bump into an ex at the weekend. If that is the case she’s either bumped into him and isn’t sure of her feelings for him or whether she is over him, either that or she’s bumped into him and seen something in me in him that she either did not like or realised that physically she can do a lot better than me.
The other possibility is of course it was a nicely manufactured lie to tell me she wasn’t interested in me but didn’t want me to feel bad about it.
I replied taking her at her word:
Hey [redacted name], thank you for your honesty. That’s all I ever ask of anyone. I appreciate and understand your position. You were great company and I’d like to think that even if things don’t go down the dating route we could develop a friendship. Hope you sort things out in your head and I’m always about if you want to talk xx
So I’m basically leaving the door open and genuinely we got on, even if she wasn’t interested in me romantically I think we’d actually get on. However I do note that once you’ve had a date with someone and one party doesn’t feel anything romantic it is hard and very rare that a close friendship forms. I understand that.
That was a couple of weeks ago so I decided to follow up mainly so I could decide whether I should write this blog post or not. I knew already that her silence meant she had zero interest in maintaining contact with me but I do like writing these blog posts as I find them fascinating in my own mind and gives me something to read back when thinking about my dating history. I should also add that during this period she’s been on the dating site a lot and has been updating and changing her pictures so she’s obviously still looking to find someone and that whatever happened she certainly wasn’t dealing with ex issues.
She did respond:
Hi Neil, I’m sorry. I genuinely meant what I said in that text, I still don’t really know what I want.. Kinda hoping I’ll realize when it jumps out in front of me!! I do think you are really lovely guy, and I hope you find someone special, I just don’t think it’s me! Xx
So to recap. She doesn’t know what she wants (apart from not me) but I am a really lovely guy (but she doesn’t want to know me) and some people still ask me why I think I’m physically unattractive? My hypothesis here is basically this – if I was exactly the same person but in a better looking body I’d have had a second date. That maybe right, that maybe wrong but that is my honest opinion. Now it isn’t wrong for thinking that and I won’t knock her for having that opinion as we all know that physical compatibility does play a significant factor in whether or not you are attracted to a person. In time looks fade and the way you see somebody changes but if you just look at someone and can’t imagine doing physically intimate things with them then it is just not going to go anywhere. It just isn’t
This however is the bit that really scares me. I look awful in practically every photograph of me that I have ever seen. I really do. I’m as photogenic as I am a gourmet cook. However I have always thought that in person I wasn’t too shabby – not good looking by any means – but I could scrub up to a degree that people probably wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me in public. Looking back through my past few dates over the past few years though and it actually seems like the opposite. I have gotten on fine with many of them (a couple I really did not) but the majority we got on pretty well but nothing would go on.
Could I possibly be actually better looking in photographs than in real life? If so then my days of being single will last many more years folks and that on one hand isn’t a scary prospect as it is a disappointing one. Either that or I have a terrible personality and I’m going to pretend that isn’t an option because if it is then I’ll actually be quite sad. I can deal with being ugly but not being the kind of guy someone wouldn’t enjoy spending time with – yeah that would hurt a little but I think we are getting to the stage where we probably shouldn’t rule it out altogether but that is a subject for another day.
To sum up I had a date with Well out of my league girl and as it turns out she is out of my league. Who knew? The date itself was fine and the conversation was arguably the least stilted of any first date I have had. It just naturally flowed like we had known each other for years. We conversed afterwards but when push came to shove and the prospect of having to see me again she just couldn’t put herself through an ordeal and who could blame her? I have to deal with me every day and I would I voluntarily spend time with me if I was something else? Quite possibly not. I’m a bit of a loser.
This brings 2013 to three first dates and zero second dates. One I wasn’t interested in but the other two were both interesting and attractive – one classically so and one the type of girl I’ve always found attractive and gorgeous with a very different style, so two I’d have happily had another date with. One I actually quite liked, the other I saw promise with. Alas neither felt the same. Onwards and upwards and they say but whilst my dating profile still lives I have not messaged anybody in the past few weeks since this date. My motivation has ebbed away and my self-belief is not there. There just seems little point in it all as whatever happens nothing good will come of it. If I can get on great with someone and they think I’m a really lovely guy and still that isn’t enough to them to want to see me again – in any capacity – then I think that says a lot.
So sorry mum. No grandkids from me (although you knew that already) but if you never see me with a partner then don’t be too surprised either. I know years ago you said you didn’t think I’d get a girlfriend until well into my 30s and you may well be right – or you may well just be being overly optimistic.
Reading back I know that sounds rather overly dramatic. I’m not down. I’m not depressed about this date or any of the others. I have learned not to put too much stock into a date until at least a second date because no point worrying about it until then.
I’m fine in who I am and other avenues of my life are plodding along quite nicely but I’m just being realistic that maybe dating and such isn’t for me. I’m sure ‘in time’ and ‘when I least expect it’ the most wonderful person will walk into my life but yeah. Deep down do I really think that is likely to happen? No. No I don’t.
At some point you look at yourself in the mirror and realise that in thirty years of living on this planet the only people you have had more than one date with were either on the rebound or stopped dating you the moment someone ‘better’ came along and you think to yourself that boy I’m really really shit at this. Sometimes in life there are things that you find out that you just aren’t good at and you deal with it, this might well be just one of those things.
Positivity boys and girls. Woo!
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