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Month: July 2012

Ed Miliband to call for an inquiry into David Beckham’s omission from the Olympic football squad

The Rambles of Neil Monnery have been contacted by a source that wants to remain anonymous with a leaked copy of a speech that Ed Miliband will give later in the weeK:

Thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind. Can I give an encore…just joshing ladies and gentleman. I know you aren’t here to listen to me rap. You are here to listen to me ask the government to open a governmental inquiry into why David Beckham has been left out of the squad for the football at the Olympics games here in London, which are proudly brought to you by and of course the Labour Party who were in charge when we beat those garlic loving French twits to win the rights to host the games. The Tories did nothing…

Anyway David Beckham – or Sir David Beckham as I’d have him known if I had the power because he’s so amazing and awesome and deep down we all wish we were him – but yes David Beckham has given his life and soul for the people of the UK only to be discarded by a man who has decided that the whiny Welsh tit Craig Bellamy is more worthy of representing our great nation than David Beckham. Does anyone remember his goal against Greece at Old Trafford? What did Craig Bellamy do in that game? Naff all that’s what. Some may say that he did nothing because he is Welsh but I say he dd nothing because he’s nothing compared to Lord Becks.

Also Ryan Giggs was picked and all he’s ever done for the UK was spend a lot of money on condoms. Is this the face we want to show to the world? A man who would screw his brothers wife for years because he deemed himself worthy? I do not think so. Lord Sir David has never cheated on his wife and even though there have been rumours who are we going to believe? A great Englishman or some unknown bint? Yeah exactly. Lastly a player who wasn’t even deemed better than Martin Kelly is better than Lord Sir David? Oh pur-lease.

Stuart Pearce has done nothing. Has David Beckham ever missed a penalty in a penalty shoot-out? No he hasn’t. Well he has but Uri Geller moved the ball so we can’t count that and it was only a quarter-final. Pearce did it is a semi-final and that was at a World Cup. Also he made money out of being rubbish by getting involved in a Pizza Hut commercial campaign. Did Becks resort to such low level? Did he heck.

I think it is clear that the government are at fault and a full inquiry would reveal the truth behind the cover-up. Some say that the cover-up is about aliens and that we have been visited for many years by little green men but that is just a smokescreen. The real conspiracy is about Stuart Pearce being the puppet of the PM and his coalition government as they try to keep public spirits down so they can carry on rinsing the Great British public of their soul and any optimism for economic recovery. A Beckham led victory in the football tournament at the Olympics would have brought back the feel-god factor that would stop the coalition government spending all of their time and energy slagging off the Labour Party.

It is not as though Ed Balls was the City Minister during the LIBOR scandal. That is just more lies from the coalition. If the government don’t open a full inquiry into this event then all they are doing is showing the great people of this country that they have something to hide. If you have nothing to hide David Cameron then I ask you this, why not have a public inquiry into this disgraceful behaviour of a true British hero?

The Labour Party treats its national heroes with the dignity that they deserve. The coalition government just wash their hands of it and pretend that it isn’t the right time or place to interfere with a football manager. Well I say this, if this isn’t the right time or place then when is the right time and place? A Labour cabinet would never have allowed this travesty to have come about and if we see no public inquiry then we all know what to do come 2015.

Labour – the party of the heroes. The Tories and evil Lib Dems – the party of the gobby, the shaggers and the isn’t as good as Martin Kelly’s.

*wait for applause – make sure you have the portraits of your family in shot as well as a photo of you and David Beckham and refuse to take any questions because you are so annoyed*

Shocking I know, first a press ethics inquiry, then a banking one but a David Beckham one? Well the way the tabloids are acting then it would go down quite well…

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Another bash of the Daily Mail. This time they talk about ‘flashy foreigners’ and ‘vulgarity’

Ah the Daily Mail. Source for some of my most sarcastic blogs. It is time for you to once more inspire my fingers to tip-tap on to my keyboard and write about how amazingly hilarious you are. Today though it is about a travel piece. The piece entitled My night in Hotel Vulgari: Daily Mail travel editor Mark Palmer gives his verdict on Britain’s most expensive hotel Bulgari caught my eye because of the introduction under the piece…

Benvenuti to the brand new Bulgari Hotel in London’s Knightsbridge, the most expensive place to stay in Britain – where the cheapest room comes in at around £850. The fact that the Bulgari is practically full every night (including the £14,400 penthouse suite) tells you everything you need to know about those pockets of modern Britain that have been turned into temples of vulgarity, attended by flashy foreigners who pay no taxes here but inflate the price of everything for the rest of us.

The words that got me were, ‘attended by flashy foreigners who pay no taxes here but inflate the price of everything for the rest of us.’ Ah yes those bloody foreigners. Always coming over here and spending their money in our vulgar hotels and not paying tax here. Well they do pay tax – VAT on everything they buy and think of all the people their vulgar money is used on employing people who do pay tax and how dare they come to the UK at all. Bloody foreigners. If we had complete closed borders then we could live in a blissful world where no-one is spending vulgar money.

The last country to close their borders and look totally inwardly was China I do believe and look what happened there. By ignoring the outside world they went from the most advanced civilization on the planet to being 100s of years behind. Yeah that didn’t exactly work out well did it? However I’m no history buff so I won’t go on about that – or the premise that all foreigners are evil – because that is so dumb its funny. The Daily Mail don’t like foreigners ok we get that. So lets look at the piece as a whole.

It reads basically as about 1,500 words which only says, ‘I am not jealous that I’m not as rich as those people. They are all foreigners and look like they hate life.’ That is basically it. He didn’t go into the review with an open mind. His narrative had already been written, which is pretty shoddy journalism in the extreme. He made a big stink about how much it cost but he knew how much it cost and heck he was on expenses anyway so that was a lot of horse expletive.

He ends though with this gem:

The manager hopes my wife and I will return soon. For our part, however, we hope the Bulgari packs up and takes most of its customers with it.

They hope the hotel packs up and people lose jobs. He doesn’t care about British people. He would clearly prefer more people on the dole than being employed by a foreign company. It is that kind of stupid messed-up thinking that is making people think we’d be better off out of the EU…

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Confirmation that The Sun’s politics people seemingly don’t know their arse from their elbow

Politicians. Yes those people. We all know about them and you’d expect the people that are paid to write about them ad nauseum would be able to tell a politician from someone who wasn’t a politician but seemingly those employed by The Sun to write about politics aren’t able to do such a thing. Before we get on to that though lets slag of The Sun a little bit more…

The Heroes and Villains of Westminster is one of the highlights of their political coverage. This week though the heroes of UK politics in the past week are the 12 MPs who pledged to vote against any vote to increase the price of petrol by 3p. Only one problem with this…it was a budget issue that was voted on months ago. There could never be a vote on this as it had already been voted on as part of the budget so these twelve heroes were basically not heroes at all. I could have pledged to have voted against any bill to increase petrol by 3p and been as much of a hero as I could’ve had as much influence on that subject as any of the twelve MPs.

Of course The Sun’s people knew this but that didn’t matter. All they cared about was their own spin on the story as they have been having a prominent campaign to keep the price of petrol down so this fit in well with their political spin and bias.

Now lets get on to the crux of the issue. The villain of the week was George Osbourne and that was no surprise and nothing to see here but wait – there is a footnote. What does the footnote say:

NOTE: In case you’re wondering, Barclays boss ‘Bob the Rob’ Diamond is sadly not a politician, or he would have beaten George to this unwanted accolade this week by a country mile.

So Bob Diamond had the villain of the week all sown up but the fact he isn’t a politician meant he wasn’t eligible. I’m sure he was gutted but that seems like a fair point in the ‘Heroes and Villains of Westminster’ section in the politics section of a newspaper but wait…who is that who won the villain of the week the previous week? Oh yes. It is that well known politician who masquerades as a comedian Jimmy Carr.

So Jimmy Carr is eligible but Bob Diamond isn’t because he isn’t a politician. I think it is fair to say that it doesn’t exactly add up. It seems as though they make up the rules as they go. The fact Jimmy Carr the previous week had been the biggest story is probably why they did it that way and if they want to have everyone eligible then fair do’s but how can a non-politician be eligible one week but not the next?

The Sun’s political team. They don’t know their arse from their elbow…

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Should politicians decide whether or not free refills of coke are legal or not? Well one politician thinks so…

As much as Baroness Ros riled me up last night in believing that bankers are in fact one entity she wasn’t the winner of my own version of ‘stupid politician making a stupid statement of the week’ award. That dubious honour fell to a mayor in the United States of America.

Cambridge (Massachusetts) Mayor Henrietta Davis wants to make free refills of sugary beverages illegal because they aren’t exactly that good for you. You can read the full story on CNN behind the link. Speaking as she unveiled her proposals she said, “Our environment is full of way too many temptations, this is one temptation that isn’t really necessary.” Well she is right. Many temptations aren’t ‘necessary’ but I don’t recall a lot of things being banned either. I don’t recall a ban on buying a whole box of Krispy Kreme donuts in the city. I also don’t recall a ban on buying pitchers of beer. I also don’t think smoking tabacco is illegal. So why on Earth would free refills of fizzy pop be deemed as illegal?

Cambridge is best known as the home of two of America’s finest higher education establishments with both Harvard and MIT calling Cambridge home. So a significant number of the population are students who in general like the free refill option when they go into a place to eat. It saves money and they are big enough and ugly enough to make up their own minds – as is everyone.

The idea of banning free refills of sugary beverages doesn’t concern me as much as the actual premise of a politician thinking that she has the right to decide whether it is legal or not. It is up to individuals to decide what they might consume as long as the beverage is deemed legal. It is not illegal to get drunk. Being drunk is perfectly legal but if you behave badly when you are drunk or attempt to drive or many other things then that is what makes it illegal. So surely sugary drinks shouldn’t be dealt with at a harsher level than alcohol?

I understand why the proposal is on the table and it might help with obesity levels but it will also affect those who aren’t obese. It would be totally unfair on those people. It is different to the smoking ban in public places because smoke can affect others but drinking lots of coca-cola or sprite or 7up or whatever doesn’t adversely affect other peoples health.

It is just another example where elected officials want to play God as they deem God should be played. It goes against my core beliefs that the state should never intervene when no-one else is being directly affected by someone’s actions. Free refills are an individual choice and not that for the law makers. To think that they have the power and the right to make such decisions is to be frank beyond the pale.

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‘I dumped my man because he was too reliable’ – the words of my generation

Sometimes you read an article and your head shakes in despair and your soul tries to self-combust. This is what happened to me earlier when I read that Kerry Katona had dumped her new man because he was too dull – which is arguably a fair reason to dump a man (but it doesn’t tend to lead me to be thinking I’m Kerry’s guy) but more pertinently for the purposes of this blog the other reason he got the old heave ho was because he was ‘too reliable.’

Yes a man was just too damn reliable and that is a bad thing. A very bad thing. I mean what fool would want a reliable man – certainly after having a failed marriage with a guy who got a blowjob from a stripper on his stag do and then your next relationship being with a man who leached off you both emotionally and financially? Yeah reliability in a man is such a bad trait to have.

Look I know I shouldn’t throw Kerry Katona up there as the bastion of the women of my generation. However she can’t be ignored – as much as we might try – so lets have a look at what the source said in the article in The People:

“She has made her mind up and Steve’s pretty gutted. But he accepts he and Kerry are very different people.

“She is a party girl and loves being outrageous whereas he is a gentleman and likes a quiet life.

“Kerry was smitten with him at first. She loved that he wasn’t interested in all the celebrity glitz and glamour.

“But now she’s got into partying again and wants to be out on the town.

“Since Steve moved in, in March, she has barely been out with him and has been more bothered about partying with her friends.

“She just says the magic has gone and he’s too quiet, serious and boring for her.

“When Kerry was smitten she ­encouraged him to give up his job and set up a studio at her house.

“He did all that but then she was moaning he was under her feet all the time. Meanwhile Steve felt like a home help and an unpaid babysitter. Now they’ve both just accepted they are totally incompatible. It’s been sad for Steve.

“His family are quite well-to-do. He uprooted from his home in Cheshire and really thought he could make it work.

“But as far as Kerry is concerned she’s just happy to move on.”

So yeah there we have it. She liked the idea of a gentleman, got him to uproot himself and quit his job and now she has realised that they aren’t compatible as she is too wild for him. She likes the crazy lifestyle and instead of a bit of stability she would prefer to go off the rails again and party all day and all night.

I know the love life of a former member of a second rate girl group should not be a story, however it is and all it goes to show is that there are people out there who don’t want a stable and reliable partner – even if they have been treated like shit by arseholes in the past. You can’t help some people and all it does is make me sigh that sometimes just being good and solid and reliable isn’t enough.

In this day and age even more so than seemingly in previous generations people look for the higher highs but with that become lower lows and that is ok. A nice serene existence isn’t for all I get that but it seems that less and less people are looking for that these days…

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Lib Dem Baroness Ros Scott has caused me to blow a gasket

Oh Lib Dems what are you doing to me? I sit her in my toothpaste stained jogging bottoms and a t-shirt saying ‘Brain Loading…47% Please Wait’ and feeling good playing Bejeweled Blitz and then I see a tweet and my anger soars to record (well that’s a lie – nowhere near record levels but still I’m pretty pissed off) and why I hear you ask? Well because of this tweet from a Liberal Democrat Peer…

Baroness Ros Tweet
Lib Dems…the grown-up party – or so I thought…

It seems pretty innocuous but still, ‘We were told if we didn’t pay huge bonuses to bankers they would all go abroad. And the problem with that is? ‘ I think I need to respond for what the problem with that might be.

First of all the city is actually a vital part of our economy. As much as it is hard to say in this day and age when everyone wants to crush the bankers and the banks as I have blogged about on numerous occasions before, I think it is fair to say that the city helped us get into this mess but that without a strong city it is highly unlikely that we are going to get out of it. We can’t just kill the city because all that will do is stunt growth. It isn’t rocket science but it seems like it might be for some people.

The winner of the Best New Lib Dem Blog last year Richard Morris agrees with the Baroness:

Richard Morris Tweet
Richard agrees with the Baroness…

@neilmonnery @baronessros of course you are presuminging (sic) that A)they would go & b)we wouldn’t find anyone equally ‘talented’ to replace them

Well first of all I think the presumption that bankers might leave the UK if they get offered more money overseas is a fairly safe one to presume. I know – and I repeat – I know – that this is already happening. People that I know are losing staff members because their bonus cheque for the last financial year was shall we say lacking. These are people that actually make money for the banks – and in turn therefore make money fr the UK tax payer – but they are going because they can earn more money elsewhere.

I also think it is fair to say that this happens in all forms of life. People will move on if they get a better pay packet elsewhere. It is why I can never understand why football fans get so worked up when a player leaves for another club and a huge pay increase. People go where the money is and everyone has their families to worry about and such. Even if they don’t then why wouldn’t they take more money to do a similar job? You would as would I. If someone offered me a job to do the exact same as I was doing today for a lot more dosh then I’d be off like a shot. We all would.

So I think we can safely say that the very best will move on – and we know they are the very best because other banks will want to hire them. The people who are crap and make no money won’t be highly sought after. This is how it works. That is purely logical. If you are good at your job then you will have more doors open to you to move onwards and upwards. If you stink then you try to tread water and stay where you are.

As for presuming that it would be hard to find people equally talented enough to replace them, well this one is simple. If they wanted to work in the banking sector then they already would. Rightly or wrongly the banking sector is motivated by one thing – money. If you work in the city then it is highly you like money – and a lot of it. You may also like women and drugs but these aren’t as big of a prerequisite as liking money. No-one gets into the banking industry because they want to save the world. They get into it because they are clever enough to and want to live a good lifestyle.

People say that they want the bonus culture slashed because it is obscene that bankers get huge bonuses when they do a bad job but what about doing a good job? If regulations are put in place in the K (and for UK based firms operating overseas) that reduce the bonus culture then all it will succeed in doing is force the good workers who make money to leave. They won’t stay and enjoy seeing their salaries culled they will just move on.

Going back to the original tweet what is the problem with all the people who make money going overseas and stopping making money for UK firms who employ people in the UK and pay plenty of tax in the UK (both the company and the employees) well let me think…I think I may have showed exactly the problem in that previous sentence.

Look I know it’s cool to bash the bankers. It is cool to see them as a collective and they are all as bad as each other. Well one thing I have learned in life is not to tar everyone with the same brush. Not all redheads are fiery and gorgeous (although most are), not all fat people are jolly, not all Tories were born with a silver spoon, not all Labour voters think pie & mash is the best meal ever invented, not all my online dating experiences have been horrific (well this one is close) but yes you get what I mean.

Yes the bankers who were dishonest and screwed things up should face the consequences but should those who have done and continue to do a good job face the same sanctions? Morally of course they don’t. You have to be an idiot (or a member of #ukuncut) to believe such nonsense but putting aside the moral argument it doesn’t make sense from a financial standpoint going forward either.

Like it or not many bankers are terrific at their job and earn their bonuses. If a department earns a company say £50million profit then what is wrong with a percentage of that money going to the people who helped earn the money? There are two things that motivate most people and money is the big one and the other is the promise of sex. They are the things that will motivate most people so if not money then do we propose lots of free sex on tap for good work? I’m not sure that will go down well in some departments so if it’s neither money or sex then what motivation do bankers have to work those extra hours and get business done? Not a great deal.

Some bankers are bad. Many more aren’t. Until we can get our stupid heads around this fact then bankers aren’t going to fare well. The sad fact that both the media and the government (both sides of the house) are willing to throw the banking industry under the bus because it fits in with what the electorate want to hear is depressing and when Lib Dem peers think that the bankers are one entity – and in so think they are all bad and wouldn’t be missed – then even the Lib Dems are starting to lose their sense of the real world.

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