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Ed Miliband to call for an inquiry into David Beckham’s omission from the Olympic football squad

The Rambles of Neil Monnery have been contacted by a source that wants to remain anonymous with a leaked copy of a speech that Ed Miliband will give later in the weeK:

Thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind. Can I give an encore…just joshing ladies and gentleman. I know you aren’t here to listen to me rap. You are here to listen to me ask the government to open a governmental inquiry into why David Beckham has been left out of the squad for the football at the Olympics games here in London, which are proudly brought to you by and of course the Labour Party who were in charge when we beat those garlic loving French twits to win the rights to host the games. The Tories did nothing…

Anyway David Beckham – or Sir David Beckham as I’d have him known if I had the power because he’s so amazing and awesome and deep down we all wish we were him – but yes David Beckham has given his life and soul for the people of the UK only to be discarded by a man who has decided that the whiny Welsh tit Craig Bellamy is more worthy of representing our great nation than David Beckham. Does anyone remember his goal against Greece at Old Trafford? What did Craig Bellamy do in that game? Naff all that’s what. Some may say that he did nothing because he is Welsh but I say he dd nothing because he’s nothing compared to Lord Becks.

Also Ryan Giggs was picked and all he’s ever done for the UK was spend a lot of money on condoms. Is this the face we want to show to the world? A man who would screw his brothers wife for years because he deemed himself worthy? I do not think so. Lord Sir David has never cheated on his wife and even though there have been rumours who are we going to believe? A great Englishman or some unknown bint? Yeah exactly. Lastly a player who wasn’t even deemed better than Martin Kelly is better than Lord Sir David? Oh pur-lease.

Stuart Pearce has done nothing. Has David Beckham ever missed a penalty in a penalty shoot-out? No he hasn’t. Well he has but Uri Geller moved the ball so we can’t count that and it was only a quarter-final. Pearce did it is a semi-final and that was at a World Cup. Also he made money out of being rubbish by getting involved in a Pizza Hut commercial campaign. Did Becks resort to such low level? Did he heck.

I think it is clear that the government are at fault and a full inquiry would reveal the truth behind the cover-up. Some say that the cover-up is about aliens and that we have been visited for many years by little green men but that is just a smokescreen. The real conspiracy is about Stuart Pearce being the puppet of the PM and his coalition government as they try to keep public spirits down so they can carry on rinsing the Great British public of their soul and any optimism for economic recovery. A Beckham led victory in the football tournament at the Olympics would have brought back the feel-god factor that would stop the coalition government spending all of their time and energy slagging off the Labour Party.

It is not as though Ed Balls was the City Minister during the LIBOR scandal. That is just more lies from the coalition. If the government don’t open a full inquiry into this event then all they are doing is showing the great people of this country that they have something to hide. If you have nothing to hide David Cameron then I ask you this, why not have a public inquiry into this disgraceful behaviour of a true British hero?

The Labour Party treats its national heroes with the dignity that they deserve. The coalition government just wash their hands of it and pretend that it isn’t the right time or place to interfere with a football manager. Well I say this, if this isn’t the right time or place then when is the right time and place? A Labour cabinet would never have allowed this travesty to have come about and if we see no public inquiry then we all know what to do come 2015.

Labour – the party of the heroes. The Tories and evil Lib Dems – the party of the gobby, the shaggers and the isn’t as good as Martin Kelly’s.

*wait for applause – make sure you have the portraits of your family in shot as well as a photo of you and David Beckham and refuse to take any questions because you are so annoyed*

Shocking I know, first a press ethics inquiry, then a banking one but a David Beckham one? Well the way the tabloids are acting then it would go down quite well…

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