Speaker: Ladies and Gentlemen we are gathered here today to discuss what to do about these riots. We have spokespeople from several sectors of society including a rioter, a police officer, the PM, twitter and Ken Livingstone. Let’s keep this above belts folks, first of all we’ll go to the PM…
PM: Thank you Mr Speaker. I didn’t leave a tip for that waitress because she didn’t bloody deserve one. I carried the teas to the table. She did naff all.
Red Ken: That’s because she didn’t have an EMA so couldn’t afford to stay on at walking with teas to the table school.
Speaker: (yelling) David! Ken! Keep it on topic. The rioting…
PM: Sorry Mr Speaker. On the riots we all agree that something drastic needs to be done. This lawlessness has gone on far too long. I’m going to send Boris down there to flummox them with his gobbledygook.
Rioter: Noooooooooooooooooooooo, not Boris!
PM: Yes Boris. What will you do then?
Rioter: We’ll beat him up and use his big head to ram raid all the charity shops we need to get into to steal the £30 they leave in the till overnight at the float.
PM: Oh…
Twitter: (interrupting) We’ve just heard that all the Lions have been let out of London Zoo and are roaming the streets breathing fire on building…
PM: That is very scary.
Red Ken: Can I just say that I have always – since this morning – advocated water cannons.
Speaker: Yes Ken, you can and well…have.
Rioter: Look no-one is listening to us. This Matthew Digger bloke. The Police shot him when he was walking through the park on his way to delivering Meals on Wheels for the elderly and this is just not on. For this reason we need to destroy our own community and make our own lives better as a way of making us feel more important. These 42″ plasmas are expensive like and I promise you if we all had 42″ plasmas and free stuff from JD Sports then the likelihood of us rioting is slightly reduced.
Police: Well that is a point but plasma TVs cost money and shouldn’t you like everyone else have to pay for them?
Rioter: Look you *threatening and pointing his finger* I’ve told you no-one is listening to us. We want free stuff and the ability to do whatever we like. That is only fair as otherwise we’d be like everyone else and we are more important than everyone else.
PM: I understand what you are saying but we can’t put anyone above anyone else unless they are News International…
Twitter: We hate Rupert Murdoch. I heard he is behind these riots because he wanted to take #HackGate off the front pages.
Red Ken: There were no riots when I was Mayor of London…
Boris Johnson: Yes but what about when you were head of the GLC?
Red Ken: Where did you come from Boris?
Boris Johnson: I am personally going round counting all the Boris Bike’s in the city and I can confirm they are all still in working order and I’ve added a new secret ejector seat to them. If any rioter sits on a Boris Bike with a plasma TV then they’ll be jettisoned into the stratosphere. Tally Ho…
Red Ken: B B B…
Speaker: Order, Order. No-one said Boris could speak. PM you need to tell him about how these things work.
Twitter: We love Boris. He’s a bumbling buffoon but was funny on HIGNFY once.
PM: Mr Speaker don’t you worry. We are in total control of both Boris and the situation.
*Boris Johnson flies through the room holding a plasma TV yelling ‘It works’*
Rioter: This is grossly unfair. How are we going to move our stolen loot now? Yet another way in which the government and authorities don’t listen to us.
Speaker: We haven’t heard a lot from the police spokesperson yet…
Police: Sorry. We’ve been trying to buy water cannons but all we can get are water pistols. The Super Soaker 500 seems great value but we don’t have the money and they won’t do us a bulk deal.
PM: Don’t worry. I shall divert funds from what we are saving on EMA to your water cannon fund.
*Red Ken huffs*
Police: Right ok. We’ll get the water cannons. Can we use them yet?
PM: No. We’ll just have them and use them as a deterrent for now.
Twitter: If we were in charge then we’d sort everything straight away. We know what’s best. We always know what’s best.
Rioter: Yeah. I use tweeter too. We use it to tell everyone where to meet and what to smash in. Twitter is amazing.
Twitter: If you touch anyone we know then they’ll be hell to pay and we’ll personally come and find you and kill you. We are that powerful.
*Rioter flips twitter the bird*
Twitter: Just when I thought you couldn’t be more evil…
PM: Ok folks we need to get a cohesive strategy to deal with this situation. So what do you want us to do about Mark Duggan rioters?
Rioter: Who?
PM: You know the person who the police shot?
Rioter: The police shot someone? Right that’s it we are taking to the streets!
PM: Haven’t you done that already?
Rioter: Yes but now we have a reason. The police hate us. The only way to hit them where it hurts is to loot and then burn out Carpet Right. We’ll leave Pizza Go-Go as we still want cheap pizzas but we know the police and government likes carpets and we don’t care so…
Police: That doesn’t really too much sense…
Rioter: See yet another person that doesn’t listen to us. Just because we ain’t like edumacated it don’t mean nuffin’ – no-one listens to us.
Twitter: Bring back the Death Penalty.
Speaker: Let’s not go there…
PM: Ok here is my plan. An extra 10,000 rozzers on the streets of London tonight. Sorted.
Red Ken: But you have been cutting police numbers since you took control. There aren’t enough police to police the streets even in peace time let alone a time of open warfare on the streets between the have’s and have not’s thanks to the cutting of EMA.
PM: Ken. This has nothing to do with the cutting of EMA. People just see a chance to loot and get free stuff without any consequences.
Red Ken: Did these riots happen when EMA was at it’s highest ebb? No they didn’t. Ipso Facto.
PM: Ken that isn’t how it works.
Red Ken: I disagree. It’s a fact.
PM: Ken are you really linking this wanton criminality to EMA?
Red Ken: Yes I am.
PM: But aren’t many of these rioters under the age of 16 anyway?
Red Ken: They know they can’t afford to stay on at school in a few years so don’t see the point of trying now. They know that by the age of seven that under a Tory led government they have no future and their only hope is to take control of their communities to scare all those who are better off and more hard working than them.
PM: Ken I used to like you and respect you.
Twitter: We used to like and respect Ken Livingstone.
Police: We used to like and respect Ken Livingstone.
Rioter: We didn’t. Dickhead.
Speaker: Order, Order! Rioter there will be no name calling here.
Rioter: Yeah like that’s the worst thing we’ve done recently…
Twitter: Just heard that Nick Griffin is a dickhead.
*everyone looks at the speaker*
Speaker: Carry on…
Rioter: If our demands aren’t met that we get better benefits and don’t have to lift a finger then we’ll carry on and take the levels of criminality to a whole new level. There are a few hundred of us and we can rule the world.
PM: We’ll see but we do care about you and your problems *leans in to speak to his advisor about re-booking his holiday*
Police: We might not be getting the backing of the PM who seems like he couldn’t really give a damn but I’ll tell you this rioters. We’ll win. You might win many battles but we shall win the war. At some point we’ll have the numbers that will outnumber you and whilst we won’t have any extra weaponry so it seems we do have experience and training to deal with the likes of you.
Speaker: (interjecting) Yes talk is cheap. Here is what I have to say to you all. Ken just shut up. PM you should give a damn. As you you lot on twitter stop spreading rumour as fact and stop playing billy big balls. You lot *points at the police* do your job and as for the rioters stop being selfish pricks and hurting those around you. They aren’t to blame for your despair and if you want to be heard then do it in a way that will make your case sympathetic to the public at large. By doing this all you are doing is secluded yourself more from the rest of society and that in the long-term will not do you any good whatsoever. Basically stop being selfish little shits and start thinking about other people and with that this round table is over.
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